Ask Drew Lindo

Get back on your fucking horse, and ride into that sunset.

2008-07-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't call my last entry a cry for help. I'd say it was me expressing myself in a moment of doubt, a moment compounded by the opinions of others; namely someone I respect and trust who was turned off by my voice of self-preservation.

But then I started hearing from people. Those invisible readers that you hope are out there, gleaming something positive from the words you stamp out of your keyboard.

People like Jess and Kathleen who took the time to comment, took the time to let me know how much they enjoy the column and find it a positive influence.

And then of course, I get this in my inbox...

Hey Drew,

It's late at night, and I was checking my email. Entourage (my mail client)
has this weird habit of randomly regurgitating an old email as 'new' along
with my real 'new email messages'. Ok so what does this have to do with you?

Well, a few months ago, or perhaps maybe a year ago, I wrote to you for
advice regarding a situation. I was (well am, but you seem to know yourself
it's a process...) recovering from a situation where I experienced abuse,
and was struggling with the fact that it was impacting my relationship with
my fiancé, my self worth and self image and so on. I hope that helps to jog
your memory a bit, because I don't really have the emotional energy to get
into it any further at the moment!

Anyhow, I read the regurgitated email and it had told me that a response had
been posted to my inquiry on your blog. I decided to check up on you and
read through your advice given to others. I saw your last entry from May and
I wanted to email you.

First and foremost, your advice DID help me. I'd be totally lying if I said
it fixed everything. But it helped. And it made me feel a bit better. And
honestly, that's pretty damn good. The 'job' of an advice columnist is
thankless. People not asking for advice and reading along will say you're
wrong, your advice is horrible, they'll fling petty insults and so on. And
the people you do help won't write back to say thanks (guilty as charged...
Not proud of it). But honestly, it does make a difference. And your life
experiences, and the issues you have had to grapple with yourself make the
advice that much more potent.

Advice from someone that has never had to face any sort of adversity, or
from someone that's never had relationship issues (I know, I didn't think
people like that existed either.... HAH) feels hollow and empty, and is
usually useless. So while you seem to think that your experiences cripple
you and prevent you from offering good advice, or helping people, just
remember that the fact that you've been there actually improves things quite
a bit. I'm sure you've moved on to other things by now (at this point, is it
weird to admit that I'm curious? I'm odd like that) but when I saw your last
post, it struck me as extremely important that I email you. Not because what
I have to say is pivotal to you, or important, and perhaps partially out of
selfishness for wanting to avoid feeling badly about something, but still.
And yes, that was quite the run on sentence, crikes.

So thank you for your advice, it didn't hurt, in fact it helped. I wanted to
pass this along. I hope things are going well for you, and that you're
happy. I'm still struggling with my issues but it is getting better on a
daily basis and I remain optimistic.

Thank you :) And I hope this made you smile. If not, fake it for me, ok?
Ahahaha.

Cyn

God bless you, child. I smiled indeed.

So I'm pushing reset on this one. If you write me, I will answer. If you need some help, I will do my goddamn best.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to answer a question waiting in my inbox...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

This column doesn't work.

2008-05-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

When Keiko & Matt first asked me to do this column for Postlapsaria 3 years ago, I was absolutely thrilled. Why wouldn't I want to dole out advice from a soapbox? I was self-righteous and cynical, with a dash of hope that I might help a soul or two.

Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

But the fact of the matter is, no matter how good my intentions, certain aspects of my personality, and certain defining experiences in my lifetime, have shaped and sculpted the scope of my answers to these increasingly difficult questions over the past few years.

And not always for the better.

I spent the majority of my childhood in an abusive situation in which I was powerless to escape. That powerless sense of futility and hopelessness took it's toll, and it seemed only anger and rage were able to keep me going. I swore that if and when I had the power, I'd run for the hills and never look back.

I'd outrun the demons until I found or built my own little Eden.

Over the years I tried and tried to create something healthy and peaceful for myself, new families built of new friends and lovers.

But none of it ever seemed to stay put; stay solid enough to live inside. Everything just had a way of falling apart, despite my best efforts.

Which brings me to this column. When it began, I was often asked questions that I had a great deal of experience in (unrequited love, unhealthy relationships/situations, self-loathing.)

But things change. I changed. Even falling in love with the right person wasn't a bulletproof promised land.

I learned one of the most terrible truths in life: the love you feel can slowly die, and all that's left is a shell of a union that deserves to be given the honorable Yearling Treatment so you can both move on with your own lives.

And it sort of shattered me. I realized that all that running away from the monsters of my youth was now replaced by a new sprint, a striving need to outrun the pain of love and friendship lost; of betrayals and abandonment by those you care for most.

So it would make sense that when people write in asking what to do about their currently-in-jeopardy love lives, I'd tell them to jump ship.

Every. Single. Time.

And it's not as cut and dried as me having turned into a romantic fatalist. I mean, that's a part of it, but another issue is that my damned Romantic Heart just won't kick the bucket and shut up. It forces me to believe that there's something better out there for all of us who are forced to settle for lives we don't want or enjoy.

But let's get back on point: the blame doesn't just lay with my ultra-protective-sense of self-preservation and escape.

It's with the format of this column itself.

I'm asked to solve complex emotional traumas using only the four-paragraph-descriptions of strangers who are totally overrun by the moment.

People want a quick fix from situations that would require weeks/months of therapy and objective observation to fully understand.

A bite-size response is not going to make it all better.

With almost every email I've received, I always react the same way when I finally publish a response:

"Your questions has been answered at Ask Drew Lindo. Let me know if it helps."

I very rarely hear back. I've gotten a few comments from people, mostly those who read the replies and feel the need to agree (or disagree) with my ranting.

But I don't know if I'm really helping anybody. And now I'm starting to worry that I might be altogether hurting instead.

I would much rather be working a call-in Hotline over the weekends than trying to understand who you are and what you need based off of a meltdown-fueled-email. I would much rather have an in-depth conversation than fire one single response into cyberspace like a flare and hope it reaches civilization.

I would much rather know that I can help instead of closing my eyes, wincing like a kid at the Dentist, and pressing "SEND."

So I don't think I'm going to do this anymore. I don't think I'm the right guy for the job anymore. Maybe when I'm in a different place in life, maybe when I've found the greener grass I'm holding out for can I better explain how to cultivate such soil and keep it healthy through the weathering storms.

But until then, I can only leave you with a few rules I try to live by, earned over the course of 26 years of experience that I'm truly grateful for...

1) Love Yourself.
That sounds easy. It's not. If you don't love yourself, you'll never know how to-

2) Protect Yourself
This doesn't mean be emotionally unavailable. It simply means keep yourself from being sucked into anyone else's abyss. There are monsters in this life, and they come in all shapes, sizes, and charming smiles. Some of them are cursed without ever understanding how much damage they inflict, while others truly enjoy it to a sickening degree. Avoid them at all costs.

3) Be True To Yourself
This is where everything comes together. If you love yourself, if you take care of yourself, you'll be able to look at your life in it's entirety enough to find some understanding about what you really want and need. Maybe you love the one you're with, but deeply need to explore some avenue of your soul that love obstructs. Maybe you need to put away some childish dreams, grow up, and be grateful for what's standing right in front of you.

If you seek truth, it will reveal itself, in all of it's righteous yet unflattering glory.

And last, but not least...

4) FIGHT FOR WHAT'S YOURS
Follow steps 1-3 before engaging in 4. It's easy to give up, it's sometimes a necessity. But at the end of every love, at the end of every bond, there is a chance to hold on, a chance to keep hope from walking out the door. Many of us let it go.

It's up to you to make the call. To move on or stay the course. To let the world tell you it's over or get back on your feet.

But you must never lose the spirit of will that drives us all to accomplish and gain what we want, need, and deserve.

Whatever you love, whatever you are, you've got to own it, flaws and all.

I'm not the guy with the answers. I'm a guy with a muddled mix of romantic/cynic filters covering his eyes. I'm a guy who wants to love, wants the world to love, for people to leave each other alone so they can just be together.

And I'm telling you not to give up on yourself or the life you've got. We've all got a chance for happiness, no matter how large or small.

Good luck to all, and to all a good night.

- Drew
askdrewlindo@gmail.com

Yeah. This sounds scary.

2008-04-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

Drew,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We live in the same
house (in different rooms). We have both obviously been through a lot
and have changed individually and as a couple throughout the time
we've been dating. One thing that has been pretty consistent these
past years, though, is my boyfriend's attitude during fights. He
cannot control his emotions when we're fighting. We bicker over silly
little things, which often escalate to some extent, but not to
life-altering status. Still, it's as if he can't handle the situation
at all. He has been known (in the distant past) to throw incredible
tantrums, some with crying and screaming, some with pounding his fists
on his head, some with flinging himself into things, etc. While he no
longer takes it to such extremes, what he does now can still easily be
defined as throwing a tantrum. He still cries easily when most people
would say that the situation does not call for it (for example, I
often cry when the fight is a large or saddening one, but he only
cries when he is frustrated that the conversation is not going how he
wants it to). He has recently done such things as pound on the locked
door to my room when I tried to get some space from him, climb into a
garbage can when he was sad, follow me into my room when I had work to
do and refuse to leave, and flip me off at a gas station and then cuss
out a stranger who had smart-assedly said, "Oooooh, you shouldn't've
done that!"

It's funny, because writing this out makes it seem like we have an
endlessly bad relationship. It's great about 98% of the time. We DO
have positive debates and small tiffs sometimes. We are consistently
thoughtful of each other, and we almost always work out problems that
arise in a productive, rational, and caring way. We have discussed my
boyfriend's tantrums on many occasions, but we have only recently
begun to address them as something we can acknowledge and work
through. Upon doing a little research, we decided that when he was
starting to show the warning signs of a tantrum, I would say, "Calm
down, and then we can talk," and leave the room. Additionally, we
decided that I would not be so quick to anger during his tantrums. In
the past, I have been known to call him a "psycho" when I felt he was
yelling at me for no reason. Clearly, this does not help the situation
and often escalates the tantrum.

Anyway, tonight we had a fight. It started off really small and silly,
but after a while, I started to notice the beginning of the tantrum,
so I told him to calm down and that we would talk afterwards. The
tantrum got worse, so I told him that I did not want to talk about it
when he was so upset, and I tried to go to my room. He threw a pillow
at me and followed me into my room. I would like to mention that I did
not fall into my former habit of calling him a psycho or anything like
that. I just said that he was way too upset to talk and that I
therefore didn't want to talk to him about it anymore. He then
proceeded to follow me around the house, purposefully trying to make
me uncomfortable. An important note is that I have talked to him on
multiple occasions about how I believe therapy would be beneficial to
his functioning and to our relationship's success, but he is rigidly
and adamantly against it. So, I guess what I'm saying is, how do I
prevent these tantrums? How can we stop them before they start?
Alternately, how can I get him to understand that therapy is helpful
to many people (myself included)?

Thanks for your help.

You ask how you can prevent his tantrums, to stop them before they start.

This would require you to be able to control the emotions of someone else, someone who seems to indicate a highly volatile and histrionic nature.

What you're asking is impossible. Surely you can be more sensitive, more understanding every second of every day, but it doesn't sound like you're the combative type. If you're not stirring him to fight intentionally, what you have instead is a situation in which you're walking on eggshells because of his temper.

This sounds very unhealthy to me. It's not that far off from the attitude of a battered wife, who explains that she and her husband are happy most of the time, except when he gets crazy...but that's all her fault, in her mind.

People in relationships have disagreements and fights, it's a part of life. But if they live in fear of one another, fear of the heights of their partner's rage or anger, then that relationship will slowly erode, piece by piece.

Your boyfriend obviously has anger management issues he needs to work out, but if he refuses to do so, you're going to enable him to continue to treat you inappropriately when the two of you get into a fight. Obviously fights are designed to be dirty, to hurt one another when anger suits you, but when it reaches a place of any kind of physical act, whether it be self-inflicted or otherwise, that's when you need to start worrying a bit.

His highly volatile nature and need to encroach your physical space, not to mention his desire to hover around and intentionally disturb you when you need distance, speaks to a profound disrespect and immaturity. His anger blinds his logic, transforming you into an enemy, an object he needs to harass and defeat through means of intimidation and fear.

This is bad news, no matter how you slice it.

You asked how you could make him understand that therapy is a helpful venture? Well, again, the first step to recovery is acceptance, and until he takes responsibility for his problem and actively seeks to rectify it, you can't make him change. That's up to him. You can encourage and inspire him, motivate him to take a healthy step forward in improving his own life, but it will always come down to the same question: Does he feel the need to change? Not the desire, because desire doesn't always necessitate action, but the NEED.

People often find themselves in situations where they're constantly taking care of someone else, usually when their partner demonstrates an inability to be stable or independent in any way shape or form. It's the reason you hear people say they're afraid to break up with someone because the other person may not survive without them.

How many boyfriends or girlfriends threaten suicide or worse when panicking in the throes of a hysterical episode?

It's my belief that such people are unhealthy to be around, that the weight they put on your shoulders is too much to bear and only serves to drag the both of you into a dark and muddy quagmire of resentment and fear.

Love shouldn't be fueled or undercut by fear. Obviously your boyfriend needs professional help to get his behavior and anger under control, but if he refuses help or to listen, then you have to start thinking about what a life with him is going to entail.

I have recently had the experience of speaking with someone who suffered through an unsuccessful first marriage. At the time she believed things would eventually get better, and that it was her own fault that her partner treated her poorly. The point being, she wasted years of her life because she didn't think she could find anything better.

Life is too short to settle for people who do us wrong. Why get stuck with someone who's going to continue to make you feel trapped or encumbered?

You sound like a young woman caught between two sides of a man you can't let go of. If he's unable to reconcile himself, you're going to have to find a way out.

You don't want to be the woman who wakes up in ten years wishing you'd had the strength to get away when you could.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Adrift

2008-03-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Drew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. He's in the military which has him traveling to various places every few months for a week up to a month a half. He's had to leave 3 times since we've been together, and though it hasn't always been easy, we've made it through so far.

I've noticed during our time together that when things get tough, he has a tendency to shut down and instead of talking to me about why he feels/reacts the way he does, he either doesn't respond at all, changes the subject, or simply says "I don't know" and nothing else. I've found that the best way, and pretty much the only way, to deal with him in situations like that is to leave him be, give him his space, and eventually he comes around on his own and everything will go back to normal.

Recently though I've noticed him separating himself from me a little bit more and more. At first he started spending more time with his friends doing guy stuff, which is fine, he's certainly free to do so. But after a while I began to notice that he doesn't want to go out and do things with me, opting to stay in and watch a movie instead. Whenever I mention wanting to go into the city, catch a movie, go to a club, etc. he says he's not in the mood and just wants to stay home, order some food, and watch TV with me. However when a friend of his asks him to go out, he's always down to hang out and do things outside of the house.

I reluctantly brought up the issue, knowing he probably wouldn't respond with anything much - and all he said was that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, that it didn't really mean anything, and that he wasn't intentionally not doing things with me outside of the house. Of course this could all be true, but this whole thing sort of came out of nowhere and he never mentioned that he wanted to hang out less before, so I hadn't thought much of it until now. At the same time, I'm not surprised that this is how he's reacting to needing space since he can't seem to open up about what he wants... he just sort of does it.

The problem I'm having now, and the reason I'm writing to you, is that within the last week he stopped saying "I love you." He would tell me "I love you" after practically every phone conversation, and now... nothing. And when I say it, he still responds with an "I love you," but it's quiet, sort of quick. Almost like he feels forced to say it. Then yesterday he told me that he's going to be leaving for 3 months in May. I asked him what that means for our relationship, and all he said was "I don't know. We'll figure it out when the time comes." I said, "I know what that means... and it's not good." He responded to that by saying, "You don't know that..." And that was it, end of conversation. I knew pressing any harder would make him shut down, and I was actually surprised I got that much out of him.

I just don't understand how he could go from loving me, telling me I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, that I'm his favorite, etc. to... well, THIS! And in such a short period of time. Nothing has changed on my part, I'm still the same person, with the same feelings for him. He's breaking my heart, and all I can do is sit here and wait for May... I never thought he'd be someone to toy with my feelings like this, considering he's been there himself so many times, but it's like he just doesn't care anymore. He's still affectionate, he still wants to see me, but it's not the same. My fear is that he wants to break up but doesn't know how to or can't bring himself to do it. Or my other thought is that he knows he's going away for a while, and he's afraid I won't be able to handle the time apart and he doesn't want to get hurt - so he's pushing me away. He has mentioned to me a few times in conversation that he has a tendency to push people away (friends included) and just stops caring if he feels like he needs to.

I don't want to break up. I would gladly wait 3 months for him. I wish he knew he had nothing to worry about, if he even is worried. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking. For now I'm giving him the space he needs, and he can call me when he wants to talk or see me. I know telling him how I feel will push him further away, so I'm stuck. When he told me he was leaving he was actually smiling, like the whole thing is a joke. But that's how he deals with things when it gets tough. He makes a joke out it and always says not to worry. I'm not sure he can even help it. Hell, I'm not even really sure what I'm asking you here, but I needed to write it out and hopefully you can give me some advice from a guys perspective so I have some understanding as to what's going on in his head.

Dear Ms. Adrift,

This is a very difficult question for me to answer for many reasons. It's tough for me to gauge exactly what's going on in his head for you, and I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news if I'm wrong.

That being said, I also feel qualified to answer because I am very similar to your boyfriend in some regards. I can remember in the waning days of past relationships taking a similar, distant approach. Apathy can in fact set in when feelings begin to fall away.

One thing I would recommend is to never address these issues at night, just before going to sleep. Problems and serious discussions (fights) have a habit of coming to a head at night, and guys usually don't have the energy to deal with them at that point. We want to sleep and deal with it later. Women often push to resolve it right then and there, not wanting to force themselves to sleep with the stress of things being wrong between them.

So that brings us to the day. The day when you want to tell him how you feel, hear how he feels, and find a way to get back to where you used to be. Happy, affectionate, and true to one another.

Yet you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself because as soon as you do, he shuts down. Now you strike me as a young woman who is open and expressive with her feelings. I'm not sure shutting down simultaneously is the answer. People can't often change who they are.

I'm sorry to say this, but is sounds like you've already figured it out. I'm sure he loves and cares for you, but yes, it is possible that he's fallen out of love and is worried about hurting you.

I understand you don't want to break up. You two could go another six months without pulling the trigger if you wanted, but it's just going to get colder and colder between you.

I feel like the only option is one last stand of communication. Find some time in the day and have the conversation. Don't be confrontational, and no matter how much you have to lie about it, try to make him understand he can be honest with you, and not to worry about hurting your feelings.

Obviously, if he does want to leave it is in fact going to hurt you, but if you want to get to the bottom of this, it's going to take honest communication. If he's incapable of communicating honestly with you, I'd say that's a red flag.

It might just be that he's shutting down because of the travel and the service, of course, but if that is the case, it needs to be communicated and addressed. He can't just take on all of the issues of being in a long distance relationship by himself. If there's still hope for you two, than you can confront the issues of distance TOGETHER. But if he insists on pulling away from you and refuses to work towards being emotionally intimate...well, yes, that is cause for concern.

One issue we haven't even confronted is the fact that...well, he's in THE MILITARY. You haven't made any mention of Iraq, but there is a possibility that the idea of active duty has crossed his mind and he doesn't want any emotional attachments to get in the way of that kind of life, should he find himself in it.

But if that was on the table, I think you would have noticed or mentioned it in your email.

You're not crazy. But I have to be honest with you and say that you need to be prepared. If he does want to break up for the right reasons (lack of feelings) instead of the wrong reasons (trying to protect himself or you from the pain of distance) then guess what?

You will survive. Both of you. And if he's anything like me or many other guys I've talked to, his need to be alone will be seriously shaken if you two indeed separate. That's the true test, is it really what he wants after he has it?

I'm not saying you should quit on him, or just let him go. I'm saying you should exhaust every possible manner of honest communication to try to get him to be honest. If he refuses to open up, or if he does and it is your worst fears confirmed, then let him go.

Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. The key is being able to look back and know you did all you could to make things work, and in the end, someone else decided to give up, move on, or stop being there for you.

And if that's the case, my dear, don't be afraid. Everyone we meet, love, and lose becomes a building block for a better tomorrow. We accrue enough experiences to prepare us for the right kind of love, the right kind of person who is going to be there no matter what.

When you find them, you hold on and never let go.

Best of luck.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

If we can be inspirational for a moment...

2008-03-04T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dear drew,

I am fresh popped out of college. And this election is the most important one of our lives. I think I like Obama but I don't know if some benign force will allow a black man to become president. Then on the other foot, my womanhood condemns me to vote for Hillary. A couple months ago I stumbled upon your website and I was really impressed, it looks like your really helping people. Go you! This election effects you and I, and simply put, in terms you can understand. Who do you endorse? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders; so I was hoping to pick your brain. Also, my dad says the most important issue is NAFTA. What do you think about that?

Presidentially Confused in Philly

Dear Presidentially Confused in Philly,

You know what politics have meant to most people our age for about eight years now?

Nothing. Our generation has deteriorated into a state of political and ideological apathy. Previous generations took to the streets to stand against corrupt governments and abuse of power. Where are we now?

I'll tell you where we are now. We've given up. People don't believe in leaders or politicians anymore, and why should they? How many in power have proven to be corrupt? How many have abused their positions, giving into lobbyists for fat paychecks and favors instead of protecting and aiding their citizens?

Politics is no longer an exciting challenge of ideas and execution; to the the common man or woman, politics is bullshit. There's no one to trust. No one to believe in. It seems to boil down to the lesser of two evils on every ballot.

Even when I voted for Kerry in 2004, I did so as an apologist. He wasn't a savior, he just didn't happen to represent the absolute holocaust of American values that George Bush did...and still does.

Why am I writing all of this?

I'm writing all of this because for the first time in almost a decade, there is a candidate who wipes away the things I hate about politics, there is a candidate who inspires me to believe in something again, something noble.

That candidate is Barack Obama.

When he speaks, he speaks as a leader, as a soon-to-be father of a nation telling us one and all that it is okay to dream again, that we can wake from the sleeping death-knell of apathy and naivety to instead reach for hope, change and progress.

He is young and idealistic, untainted by the years of political mudslinging and closed-door-favors that spoil the spirits of so many politicians over the years. Detractors speak of his lack of experience. I see a lack of corruption and shady practices. I see a candidate who commands American attention. A man of intelligence, integrity and charisma.

These are all attributes sorely lacking in George W. Bush, but this is stating the obvious.

We need a president we can be proud of again. A President who embodies the best about America, not the worst. This is a land of opportunity, a country founded on the principles that anyone from any walk of life can succeed and thrive when given the chance.

Many speak of race being a heavy factor in this election. They're right. The hard-boiled truth is that many Americans will vote for Barack Obama simply because he is black, and others won't give him their vote for the very same reason.

That's the country we live in. It's not perfect.

The question I keep asking is if America is getting better? Is America ready to start getting better?

I choose to believe that it is. I choose to believe that America will shape up and start cleaning up the mess we've made over the past eight years under the worst administration this country has ever seen.

I believe in Barack Obama. I believe not in his perfection, but in his abilities, intentions and qualities. He is a leader who inspires hope and pride in a country that is in dire need of both.

I am voting for Barack Obama because I want to believe in America again.

I encourage everyone to do the same.

For information on the current state of Clinton and Obama's NAFTA dialogue, click here...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

THIS JUST IN:

2008-01-26T20:56:00.004-08:00

The universe is an evil mother-fucker.

Amazon Island

2008-01-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Drew,

I'm sure you don't remember, but around this time in 2005, I wrote to you about relationship troubles I was having. About a day after you posted your response, I found a guy who returned my feelings and whom I didn't have to wait around for or "convince." And he made me very happy, so I want to thank you for that.
Unfortunately, six months later, that all went up in flames, and I'm not so sure I've actually gotten over it yet. I haven't had a chance to. I moved on to another guy who didn't last, and he (my ex) moved on to numerous other girls, and now, somehow, we've reached an awkward point where he is in a very serious relationship with one of my best friends. I was wary of this situation from its beginning but I didn't want to seem unsupportive. Now, though, I'm just becoming more and more unhappy. My friendship with my ex is very volatile and it doesn't help that we're both very stubborn. I never know how long we'll be friends before we start fighting again, which puts tension on all of our friends and especially his girlfriend.
I'm writing because I don't know what to do about this anymore. I always seem to feel that isolating myself from him for "x" amount of time would be the best decision, but he's been assimilated into my group of friends, so I'd have to isolate myself from them, as well. Part of me doesn't want to have to be the one to give up everything just to smooth things over, but I hate how unhappy he makes me. What do I do?

Yours,
Troubled Friend

Dear Troubled Friend,

If you truly feel that you and your ex cannot get along (yes, this is normal) then the issue no longer lies with him, it lies with your friends.

You need to have an open and honest discussion with your friends about what you're feeling and what you need. I'm not advising that you give them an ultimatum. I'm recommending you start making plans with them that do not include him, after having a discussion on the importance of privacy from the dreaded ex.

If he's assimilated himself deeply, you cannot escape the reality that he is going to be around. But by appealing to your friends on an honest and sensitive level, by indicating that having quality time with them is important to you, you can start taking steps to enjoy their company without a negative presence.

Yes, I am talking about girl time.

This process is about acceptance. You have to accept that he is now a part of your friend's lives, while they must accept that you need their support during this difficult time.

This isn't about win or lose, it's about finding a suitable compromise for all parties. No competition, no trash talking, just working together to find a solution to the problem.

So be honest, sensitive, and reasonable in your dealings with everyone involved. If doing so brings no grace or understanding on their part, then it may be time for you to start looking for better friends.

Nice hearing from you again and good luck with the negotiations.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Waiting For Nothing To Change

2007-12-25T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hey Drew, love your films man.

Needed to ask someone outside the box a Question...
Figured that would be Mr. Lindo...

I am a 26 y/o male, who fell in love with a girl.
When we first met, she had a boyfriend. She said the relation was just over...the kind of way you just feel that the spark/magic is gone.
When I refused to do anything physical with her aka kissing/sexual because they were still together, she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me. We never had sex at all, it was never a big deal. We were just happy to be together.

Well 3 months into it she left for college. Only 3 hours away, but far enough.
When I went out to visit her the first time, 2 weeks after she left, she broke up with me, she said she was still in love with her X, and couldn't see me anymore.
The next day I went back to her dorm. I said no, that I wasn't done with us.
I couldn't just walk away feeling they way I did about her. She agreed, and we got back together. This same scenario has happened 5 times in the 3 months we were seeing each other. Weather she is visiting me, or I am visiting her. I treated this girl with the highest respect at all times. Never a foul word, we never had an argument, never had a bad time while together. She was always smiling, always happy, always telling me how in love with me she was. And I the same.

Turns out, her X was stalking us via Myspace, and always knew if we were hanging out. Via my posts, or pics my friends posted, then he would go to her and tell her he knew we were still seeing each other. She would immediately call/text/come to my place and break up again. Saying "I just can't loose my friendship with him... I can't see you anymore.
Yet 10/12 hours later, after she went back to college, after visiting for the weekend. She would call me/text/message me, that she still loves me, and will always come back to me. And no matter what she says, not to listen to her, never leave her, and never abandon her. Her friends call/text me saying she misses me, and can't wait to see me again.
Dude, I don't know what to do anymore. Ether this girl is insane, or her X is abusive. Or she is stringing me along, and lying in hopes I will end this so she can have a clear conscience.
NOV/DEC...She still calls,texts,writes,and comes to see me. Always saying she loves me, and we are going to be together one day. She once said it was because she could not separate her fear from his jealousy. I didn't ask, but that is what clued me in to the possibility of abuse from this guy.
But everyone that knows this guy says that he is a nice guy.
Dude I know this isn't really a question. But if I had to put it into one, instead of write it into a freaking screen play, I guess it would be this.
Am I stupid? Am I making this all up in my head to make myself fell better?
Am I just not seeing the big picture?
Or should I give up, and cut it off.. I still love her and always will...
Thx in advance for any advice man.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can possibly do is simply let go.

We often find ourselves in situations that we know are unhealthy and unfair. We wish the person we have such strong feelings for would just straighten up and fly right, so that the potential for happiness can finally become a reality.

But they don't. Many of them will continually disappoint, proving again and again that their own intrinsic weaknesses are keeping them from moving forward into a happy and healthy relationship.

You sound like a solid fellow. I'm sure you love and respect her, but wish she would do so equally. She's putting you in an unfair position by saying, "I can't be held responsible for my actions or decisions."

She's unbalanced. For reasons you certainly do not have time to discover from three hours away and miles of emotional distance.

What's making this separation hard for you, as well as anyone in your position, is that she keeps coming back for more. Another remark, another act of affection, continuing an unending cycle of pushing you away and then luring you back.

You deserve better than that.

It's easier to walk away from a fire-breathing dragon than a warm smile and a kind embrace. Of course she's going to say the things you need to hear, she's feeding your Messiah Complex extra servings of Wheaties, and it's working.

The truth is you can't save people who don't want to save themselves.

It's going to be her decision to let go of the past, to release the grip this controlling, jealous ex-boyfriend has over her.

Until she does that, she is frozen in a state of emotional retardation.

I know it's hard to walk away when they call your name, when they say sweet things and hint at a brighter future.

But these are just words. Her actions will remain consistent.

It hurts to let go. But I'm of the belief that it is better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you unhappy.

Free yourself and prepare for a brighter future. Don't settle for daddy issues and emotional immaturity.

Mark my words, a woman of substance blows a girl of confusion out of the water, every time.

Don't settle for what you know. Wait for what you deserve.

It's worth it.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Survivors Stick Together

2007-12-18T20:52:00.000-08:00

Hello Drew, I stumbled across your blog by means of late night, bleary-eyed
surfing circles - that is, I don't quite recall how I found you, but you
seem to be someone that enjoys; or at least; takes the time to give advice
to people.

So here is my 'thing'. Thing being story/predicament/problem/concern and so
on...

Me and the BF have been together for over four happy years. We are the happy
'parents' of two kittens, and proud first-time home owners. Things are going
great, save for the sex. Ah yes sex, it always seems to come down to that?

My problem is that I am 'damaged goods' so to speak. I was assaulted by
someone I was dating when I was 19, and being way too naive to fully realize
the gravity of the situation, or the implications it would have, I went to
the police. What followed was a long and drawn out 'investigation', the
mass-exodus of a large number of "Friends" and a not-guilty verdict that
made me wonder why the hell I opened my mouth in the first place. It was
very traumatic, and I don't know which part of it was the most horrific -
the actual event or things that came to pass after the fact.

I've dealt with all of this, and mostly moved on, but for about a year and a
half, the sex in my current relationship has been failing. When we have it,
it is good, very good. But combined with some newly resurfaced personal
issues (I'm 24 now... So that entire 'episode' of my live was to say the
least, a lifetime ago) and some slight weight gain causing the collapse of a
good deal of self confidence, I can't 'get it up' in the female sense, to
put it bluntly.

I've started suspecting as well, that I may have been assaulted as a young
child. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but flashes here and there of
what may be a memory, or what may be me being melodramatic, and the idea of
sex creeps the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, I still get 'inklings'
from time to time, but I don't generally like to partake in them with my
boy, but rather see it as a dull physical act such as going to the bathroom
or brushing my teeth - mechanical. Something that has to be done or taken
care of or dealt with.

He's very good about it. I know he has not cheated, and has never even
thought of it. He deals with his own 'inklings' since he has to in my
libido-absence.The way he handles it makes me love him that much more - a
lesser person would have left or let things deteriorate between us. He
treats me well, holds me tight, tells me he loves me, but I know, I know it
bothers him. I want things to go back to our first two years in the
relationship, when sex was a fun and adventurous thing, not this.... Sleazy
icky guilty act that I seem to think it is now. That is, my image and idea
of sex has almost been corrupted to the point where I see it as a BAD thing,
a thing people should not do. Logically speaking, I know that this idea is
wrong, and that it is something that should be celebrated between two people
that love each other. I want to make sure he knows I find him sexy and
gorgeous and attractive. Because while I make a point to tell him, and he
knows of the issues I am dealing with, I also know without a doubt that itaffects his self confidence as well, on a minor 'is it me' level, whether it
is subconscious or not.

I'm not really sure what to do. I want to get over this, move on, and 'get
better' but I certainly don't know where to start. And I don't know how to
broach the topic of possible childhood abuse with him, or if I even should
since I don't know 1) if it really happened and 2) if it did, who it was. On
one hand, I think that he would like to hear what is going on in my head, on
the other hand.... I'm not sure. I can't seem to squeeze the words out of my
mouth, or roll them off my tongue, and I have tried.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?

I'm not sure if this is heavier than the issues you normally handle, but I
figured what the hey - I don't feel like our relationship is in danger, but
I want to actively save it before it gets there - does that make sense? I
don't know if it will even get to that point, but even if it doesn't, the
way things are now are not the way that they should be. We both know it.

TIA for any insight you might have to offer and pardon the ramblings... Dark
streets and silent nights being spent awake make me wordy almost to the
point of drunken-ness.

Keep up with me now, because this one has me a tad riled.

First off, please, please, please stop thinking of yourself as damaged goods. Referring to yourself as such is only feeding one of the terrible after effects of sexual assault; guilt and shame.

The attack was not your fault. Contacting the authorities was not an act of naivety, it was one of bravery.

How many victims stay silent? How many retreat into a shell built of the shame, fear, and guilt that such a senseless and violent act inexplicably instills?

It angers me that victims of sexual assault are made to feel powerless by their attackers, but it angers me even more when in the aftermath, our justice system, which we trust to protect and serve, fails miserably to punish the guilty and instead betrays the innocent.

For all of this, I am truly sorry for the pain and trauma that this attack inflicted, but as an objective source, I think you should know that I am incredibly proud of your decision to come forward and seek justice, regardless of the outcome.

I'm very glad to hear that you are involved in a healthy relationship with a partner that loves, respects and understands you. How many people's minds are scarred to the degree that they begin gravitating towards those who resemble their persecutors and abusers? These are the strange cycles that victims of sexual abuse often fall prisoner to, their sexual urges poisoned by a misguided view of their own sexual identities and desires.

It's why you hear countless stories of young women chasing abusive and emotionally unavailable men, later understanding that these are the same types that scarred them at a young age.

Why are we often attracted as adults to that which traumatizes us as children?

It's a strange psychological affliction.

To get to the bottom of it, you really need to seek counsel with a professional.

You've got to give yourself the time and patience required to fully heal from all you've been through in order to get yourself centered again and enjoying a positive, healthy sex life with your partner.

These flashes of obscured memories are certainly worth exploring with a psychologist. It is absolutely worth it.

You deserve a chance to work through your past with someone you can trust.

As for revealing what may or may not have happened to you as a child to your boyfriend, it sounds to me like this guy is rock solid. He's supported you in dealing with one painful element of your past, why wouldn't he be there for another?

Life isn't exactly a bowl of cherries for all of us. For many, it is a series of blistering challenges and difficult choices, setbacks that make us question whether we can muster the strength to go on.

But we do. We go on. We survive. We appreciate those we can trust even more when we understand the value of trust in a world where it is so often violated.

You can and will get through this. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you simply need to devote the time and effort into working through the artifacts of a painful past, while moving forward with a healthy future.

You've been armed with painful knowledge in this life. Do not let that knowledge restrict or weaken you, let it strengthen and empower you to survive, to protect yourself and those you love.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday you find yourself in a similar position to mine. Someone may reach out to you in a desperate moment of confusion and pain.

My guess is, you'll be better equipped to help them than some self-righteous blogger.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Journey Through The Wasteland

2007-12-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Drew-

I am an African-American girl going to college right now, and I have not had any luck dating. In my experience, most Caucasian guys are not interested in dating African-American girls. This is very frustrating for me, and often makes for uncomfortable social situations. Do you have any advice?

- Take Me As I Am

Dear Take Me As I Am,

I've been blessed to have had various romantic encounters and/or experiences with women from many different ethnic backgrounds. I doubt I made it a point to pursue any of them strictly because of their ethnicity, but I certainly saw their nationality as an important and interesting detail of their identity.

Why?

Because it's who they are. Because it's something to be proud of.

I'm not here to gauge your personal supply of black pride, but I hope you know that whether or not the male populace on your particular campus can appreciate the myriad of traits that comprise you, the most important goal to have in your burgeoning romantic life is to embrace YOU.

Sometimes being unique means being lonely. I've often felt a profound sense of alienation in my years, descending into a defeatist view that a real, profound connection was impossible.

I felt stuck in a romantic wasteland. Hopeless.

Until I met a girl I didn't think existed.

Everything changed. Everything opened up and I finally found someone I could share everything with, enjoy every ounce of the day with. I realized there was a lot more to that wasteland than I'd seen.

It's not your job to decipher whether guys are secretly racist or secretly just not that into you (but you're human, so I'm guessing you'll try to figure out anyways.) Men and women will always find things about one another that turn them off, both external and internal.

So what this brings us back to is that timeless, enigmatic subject of self-love.

Do you love yourself for who you are?

If you really do, you won't settle for less than you deserve or desire. If someone doesn't see what you see, doesn't understand how much you have to offer, then you've no use for a pair of blind eyes.

It is my belief that the qualities a great woman possesses can transcend any racial, political, or ideological boundary line.

Finding a place to belong is tougher for some of us than others. When we find that place, or rather, when we find that person, we realize the journey was absolutely worth it.

Here's to your journey.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Thank You To A Stranger

2007-11-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I don't know you, you don't know me, I just stumbled upon your advice
page on postlapsaria and navigated my way to your LJ. I've been having
serious doubts about my relationship with my live-in boyfriend and
have been having a miserable, lonely weekend (stupid holidays taking
all my friends away). Reading your writing, particularly your
reflections on valuing your own love lost, has been incredibly
cathartic and has inspired me to get journaling again. In any case,
this being Thanksgiving weekend, I thought I should pass along some
gratitude. Thanks for realizing (and affirming, for me) that there is
a space for constructive breakups, that they can hurt like hell, but
still be good for all involved. Thanks for reminding me that loving is
not confined to one person, that loving once means we can love again.
And, thanks for standing up for nerdy, awkward love, because it's
loveable.

I'm sure your words are a comfort to more people than you know

- KK

Lady, you just proved Karma exists in one, fell swoop.

I'll explain in the form of a story.

Earlier this week, I was walking out of the parking garage at work. As I was nearing the exit, I saw a young, attractive, african-american security guard driving up the ramp.

She was in tears.

I saw her drive right past me, red faced with a lip quivering as it will when your body sometimes violently begins to shake.

I could tell it was one of those strong, physical reactions to emotional suffering. I felt really bad for this woman who drove past my reality at 17 miles per hour.

To be honest, the thought left my mind as I went back to the office.

But at the end of the night, as I walked back to my car, I saw her there, sitting inside the glass security booth.

As her partner got up and left the booth for a moment, I felt like it was the least embarrassing moment to interact.

"Excuse me," I said. She looked up at me with tired eyes. "I was walking out of the garage today, and I think I saw you driving in. I thought I saw you crying. Was that you?"

She nodded. Her eyes started to get a little glassy. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but it was too late.

"Should I ask what's wrong?" I said. I was much less sure of myself in this interaction than I am with a week old email from a stranger.

"Relationship issues." She said. "A breakup," she added.

I could tell it stung for her to say it. She tried to hold it together while I tried to find words. I wasn't exactly in rare form. I didn't know her name, or her situation, all I knew was she was in pain, and that didn't give me a lot to say aside from "I'm sorry."

I through out whatever terms of encouragement I could find, but I wasn't even sold on my own words. I think I ended on "You're going to be okay, I know it."

She nodded. "Thank you," was all she got out before another tear ran down her face.

I walked to my car, disappointed in myself for failing to deliver something that felt real, or honest, or effective. How can the guy who people say is so helpful over the goddamn internet be so clueless and speechless in real life?

As I drove out of the garage, I decided to give it a last ditch effort. I parked outside and opened my bag.

I took out a notebook and a pen, and I started to write.

I wrote the truth. That I didn't know her, her situation, even her name, but my heart went out to her. That these things take time, but we always come out stronger, wiser, better for having gone through it.

That she'll love again, find happiness again, and in the meantime it was important to talk to those who know how to listen.

I told her that I've been in her shoes, stuck suffering silently at work while everyone else goes about their business. That I've felt sick with heartache and wondered how I could ever feel whole again.

But I am whole. I am healthy, capable of happiness, joy, all of the feelings I knew when I was a part of another human being. They all come back in various forms.

And as a devastating breakup survivor, I gave my official opinion: it's just another step in the journey of the human heart. Another test to make sure it's all working, it's all operational.

I think I was a little more eloquent than that. Maybe a little less grandiose as well. I think the handwriting added on the charm and cut back on the cheese.

I walked back to the booth and slid the note under the window to her, then waved goodbye. I didn't sign it, didn't leave a number or a name.

Just the good wishes of a fellow human being.

I recounted the story to only two people that night, and one of them assured me that that act would come back to me somehow.

I'd like to think that this very email counts.

I'm not a perfect person. I can be stubborn and mean-spirited from time to time, bitter and resentful if wounded.

But kindness like this is what I hope resides in all of us, and an avenue like this column gives me the opportunity to exercise it from time to time.

And to feel it come back in my direction.

Thanks to everyone who reads, writes, and generally gives me hope in the human race.

And to folks like KK who take the time to let me know I'm being heard in an effective and inspiring manner.

Here's hoping the voice grows with the audience...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Now or Never

2007-11-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Drew,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we're
having doubts about whether we should stay together.
We dated briefly for a year and a half (long distance)
when I was 19 but it ended badly and we only decided
to give it a second chance when we were both 21 after
agreeing to be more mature and to value each other the
way we both deserved.

Since then, things have been going pretty well - we
live in the same city, my boyfriend is supportive,
affectionate, and caring, I get along with his family,
and through the course of our relationship, we've even
become best friends. However, now that we're 23, we're
starting to mature even more as individuals and we're
starting to grow into different people with different
interests. For example, I love to dance but his body
issues prevent him from even wanting to slow dance
with me at social functions. For him, he would like to
move to Latin America after falling in love with a
particular country, but since I would never be able to
live in that hot of a climate, he agreed to only live
there for 6 months and then come back. Eventually,
through an open discussion, I expressed that sometimes
I get bored with the same relationship routine,
whereas he expressed that he would like more space and
to have us both be more independent in the
relationship so that it could be healthier and less
boring for me (since I would have more outside
interests.) At the time, we also decided not to break
up because it seemed like the easy way out, but now
that I've had more time to think about it, I'm not as
sure.

My question is, do we stick together in this
relationship/best friendship and try to grow and work
through our differences, or do we acknowledge that we
are growing in different directions and out of respect
as best friends and lovers, end the relationship now
so that we can pursue our personal growth to our
fullest potentials without resentment and negative
feelings?

I understand that love and relationships are often
about compromise, but when do you know what to
compromise on when it comes to being in a serious
relationship and being ambitious about your dreams?
Are these two things inherently incompatible when you
are young and in your early twenties?

- Wanting the best for everyone

Dear Wanting The Best For Everyone,

You've reached a place of maturity and understanding that many couples do not. You don't hate each others guts, you don't grind on each others nerves 24/7, or force one another to complain to your friends at length about each other's pet peeves.

Instead, you've realized what each of you needs that you aren't getting in this relationship.

It seems you both are aware of what the next step is, but are both afraid of taking it. You should be. No break is clean, no separation is painless, no matter how even a keel things start out. It will be difficult.

Yet you're already aware of the fact that, at 23, you don't need to be settling for a future with someone comfortable when you may want something more. You both have started growing into adults, and now is the time to identify what you want in your adult lives, and to seek out those traits, qualities, and freedoms.

If you're meant for one another, you'll both find your way back, but as I'm sure you both know deep down, now is not the time for excluding possibilities.

Personally I'm of the mind that people do not change the core of who they are, which is why I've never been an on-again/off-again kind of guy in relationships. The problems that lead to one breakup usually reappear when a couple gets back together.

I also hate going through the same breakup twice.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; youth is not a time for giving up on your dreams. Youth is about allowing yourself the room and the respect to explore, understand and pursue what you want in your life. We have to be thankful for the ones who come into our lives for a brief time and make us happy, before we're torn apart and left with a clearer vision of what we want next time love gives us a shot.

Life should not be experienced in a state of fear. Life is an adventure.

Enjoy every single second of it.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

One Fifth The Perfect Girl

2007-11-01T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hey drew whats to when you have 5 girlfriends that are attracted to you but you really don't want to be
the bad guy.And when i mean bad guy i mean like seeing and messing around with each one.I mean its a tuff call
because they're all cutee pies but man i don't want to be known as a player.Back in High School it was like whatever
but now i look at it as been there done that!I'm a stand up guy and thats what I'm known for being.Whats your 2 cents on this Drew?

- The Great Gambino

Dear Great Gambino,

I'm confused on this one. You have five girlfriends? But you don't want to be the bad guy?

If this were an action movie, you'd be the guy at the end holding the explosive trigger on the roof of a building, with some cop trying to talk you down while you shout, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

You ARE the bad guy. Already. Too late.

Unless of course you failed to explicitly state that you have 5 platonic female friends who are into you. Then that's a different story.

If that is indeed the story, if five of your cute, platonic female friends want to blast off into romance-mode, then you, my friend, are the one glimmer of statistical hope that makes those poor bastards in The Friend Zone dream a little dream.

But if this is a case of the 1 man for every 5 attractive females, then I can't help you choose which one is right for you. I can only advise that you attempt to keep them in your life as friends if you're not sure where your emotions lie, and, if one day your friendships strengthen and attractions solidify, the rest will work itself out.

But back to your vague and confusing email, you asked and answered your own question. You basically wrote and asked; "Drew, is it wrong to do the wrong thing?"

Yeah. It's wrong to do the wrong thing, chief. Ten points to you.

If we need to discuss what the wrong thing is, then I'll be happy to specify.

Messing around with several girls while not being entirely honest about your intentions, or giving any thought to their own feelings, is probably not the right thing to do. If you've got a brain and a heart enough to keep your conscience running, then you can probably tell when you're exploiting someone's affections for a selfish gain.

If all five of these girls understood you weren't that into them, that it was just casual, and that the others existed, yet still wanted to get together with you, then you'd be in better standing from a moral perspective. You'd give them the option to be consenting adults who allow themselves to take and share a sliver of happiness instead of the whole pie.

But most girls don't want to be a fraction or a statistic, they want to be the only girl you want. The only one you need.

Play on, playa. Just don't play with knives.

Or the fragile hearts of naive girls. Bad taste, chap.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Beyond the sunset...

2007-08-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Drew,
I am currently in a 2 year relationship that for all intensive purposes is going really well. The problem is, in 1 month I will be going off to grad school across the country, thus ending my relationship with him. Like I said, everything between us is fab, but at are age we realize a long distance relationship will never work, so me going off to school will act as our clean break. Now here’s the rub; this past summer before leaving for school I took a summer job to save up money and (this wasn’t really my plan) I developed a mutual attraction with a coworker. I am very attracted to him and he in turn is attracted to me. Come on, a girl knows when he’s sending out the vibes. For the entirety of the summer it didn’t escalate passed harmless flirting. All the while, in the back of my head, I knew at the end of the summer the relationship with my boyfriend would be over and in 1 short month I would be openly be allowed to see other guys. Now, recent events have expired and next week there is a huge employee party, packed with alcohol, music, beds, and NOT my boyfriend. I think you get the picture. Flirting at work is one thing, but 2 attractive people of the opposite sex, at night time, mixed with alcohol, and one of them is leaving for good equals disaster. I know on paper its wrong. I feel like I’m behind the wheel of a car accelerating towards a brick wall, but I can’t take my foot off the gas peddle. Like I said, there is nothing inherently wrong with my current relationship, but the fact that it’s going to be over in 1 month makes me wonder if I can hook up with this coworker for one night with no strings attached. My boyfriend won’t be effected because he’ll never have to find out so it won’t get hurt and our relationship will be over in 1 month anyway. Should I let the affair play out or nip it in the butt? I don’t want to look back and wonder if I should of acted differently. What do I do, Drew? What do I do?

Hopelessly Confused

You could start by being honest with yourself. Are you looking forward to this "clean break?" Have you already begun distancing yourself from him? Do you want freedom, attention, and the rush of something new?

It sounds like it.

It also sounds like you want the best of both worlds: the rush of a forbidden fling with your coworker, mixed with the security of having someone at your side all month-long until you ride off into the sunset.

Not going to work. It will require a choice. So here's the real rub: most breaks aren't that clean, no matter how well you slice below the artery. There is always emotional overflow, and there is always a healthy amount of cleaning up to do.

Maybe the impact of losing this relationship won't hit you now. Maybe you won't miss him until after your second or third week, or after the first cool, new guy you meet doesn't call.

So here's what you have to ask yourself: how do you want to spend the rest of your time there? Do you want to hold onto your lover until you're forced to let go, or do you want to start the separation early and go a little wild? Either choice will have a consequence.

As for cheating, let me put it this way, infidelity is one act you don't want to have on your conscience, EVER, no matter who finds out. Not only for the moral obligation, but the superiority complex as well. In my mind, fidelity is the ultimate ego-boost and argument ammunition: "At least I've never cheated."

Come on. How sexy is that to be able to say? How effing righteous could you feel about yourself to know that yes, you've been tempted, but no, you did not give in. You fought the urges and respected the bond of trust you've forged with your partner.

Thats worth hundreds of thousands of ego points, and absolutely zero guilt points.

So its up to you. Your life in that town, as you know it, is limited. You get to decide what note to go out on. Trying to have it all...might lead to a rougher takeoff. Your boyfriend will hurt whether you break up with him now or later. You both will hurt, no matter how you try to slice it. But certain actions poison worse than others, and landing in the arms of another is knowledge he shouldn't have to deal with.

What do you want? To sabotage something too stable for its own good? To feel powerful, attractive, and wanted?

This is a choice you have to make on your own. But remember that there is always a morning after. A moment passes, and a new reality sets in. If you make the jump for your coworker, understand the risk, and that it will change things. Everything.

Then again...some girls just want to be corrupted by the forbidden. I'd say your youth is the best time to get that out of the way.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Yes, but what KIND of attractive?

2007-08-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

dear drew,

When coming from a guy, is being "cute" a good or bad thing?

Dear Cute,

I'll give you both scenarios.

SCENARIO A

Attractive, but in that sisterly, asexual capacity that results in a one-way ticket to The Friend Zone. Indefinitely.

SCENARIO B

Attractive, but in that non-threatening, emotionally vulnerable kind of way, resulting in a connection not solely based on shallow, sexual objectification, but instead, a strong emotional bond of respect, appreciation, and love.

This would immediately qualify you as the kind of girl he could bring home.

Either way, a guy who says you're cute most likely has some love for you. The question is what kind? Platonic or romantic?

Wait a second. I just remembered a third, far darker scenario.

SCENARIO C

Sketchy guy at party/club who moseys up and drops a "cute" line on you. Ready for this?

Slightly attractive, or at least enough for a hookup, resulting in a mediocre level of attraction perfectly suited for a one-night stand and a forever-forgotten phone number.

A perishable item, to put it bluntly.

So yeah. Watch out for that guy.

Let me wrap up the "cute" debacle by saying that I've met several young ladies in my time who are frustrated with being cute. The girl next door who everyone knows is built for settling down, not for wild nights of youthful abandon.

And yeah, that might suck for them. They may want to trade "cute" for "beautiful," or even just a taste of that slutty flavor of "hot" for once.

But there's nothing wrong with being a woman of substance. Remember that one man's cute is another man's gorgeous, so don't think about it as good vs. bad.

When I think "cute," I think the type B scenario; a girl so genuine and adorable you can't help but love her. I've dated a four-star, Type-B before. Totally worth it.

Cute girls, in my personal, best case scenario, have an inherent sweetness about them, which is sometimes the most attractive quality of all.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Love. Staring You In The Face.

2007-07-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

dear drew,
this is probably a very common question/situation but i need advice.
i have a very close friend that i care deeply for. him and i have never
hooked up in any way, shape or form although people always ask if we are
dating. we've never talked about it seriously and there isnt sexual tension
between us... or at least i dont think there is. well, about a month ago, my
friend called me at 4am needing a ride to his place. i pick him up, take him
home and leave. while on my way home, my phone rings and its my friend. he
says many things including, "you're the only one for me" , "ive always felt
this way about you" and "why do you think i started talking to you the first
night we met... i didnt think i was going to get a best friend out of you."
i didnt react at all... good or bad.
the next day, he was avoiding me... and then the two days following. (we
talk every day.) i didnt understand what was going on so i forced him to
talk to me for the sake of our friendship. his only response was, "i always
mean what i say but i dont want to screw things up." i dont get it. he talks
to me about girls all the time, tells me im all he has and that he never has
anything good come his way... but he almost ruined our friendship over
something he didnt care enough about to ride through.
things are getting better now, but i still feel weird not knowing whats
going on with him.
any clue?

-A

Dear A,

From the beginning of time, children have been raised on stories, fables, and morality/fairy tales. These heightened senses of reality are imbued with important lessons and thematic undertones, all meant to engage children's imaginations, emotions, and generally, keep them out of trouble in the near future.

The problem is, kids grow up, and in that growing process, we stop getting fables and morality tales to keep us on the straight and narrow, or warn us of impending danger or ominous paths of hubris.

Instead, the youth are blessed with tales of young breakdancers getting served, stomping the yard, riding motorcycles with Wild Hogs, and becoming spoiled, drug-addicted primadonnas who crash their Mercedes' under the influence.

But a new dawn will one day rise. People will cry out for stories and tales that warn of dangers, both physical and emotional, that others have not prepared them for in the past.

And the first such story will be called "Adventures In The Friend Zone."

An instant classic, this dark and foreboding tale will take young adults through the infinitely confusing maze of physical attraction/physical disinterest, platonic settling/romantic yearning, declarations of adoration/emotional retreats, and of course, fear of loss/desire for intimacy.

Because, my dear A, your situation is a tale as old as time. This predicament usually does not work out because the necessary ingredients for romance are missing from the start, thus the friendship is formed instead of a first date. Having been asked this question hundreds of times in general, having been in this situation personally in my high school days, having seen so many people go down this road before, I can tell you that the majority of my advice has leaned toward the negative; "Don't say a word, it's not going to happen, you're bound to risk everything by bringing the subtext into the light."

But here's the ironic truth: things change. Friends grow closer. Bonds tighten. Soon, feelings freefall from platonic intimacy to romantic love. You just never know.

It sounds like your friend is crazy for you, and like most in his situation, terrified of wrecking the friendship with an awkward bomb of truth that could leave both of your shadows on the wall.

You stated earlier, "he almost ruined our friendship over
something he didnt care enough about to ride through."

What do you mean by that? Do you wish he did? Do you wish he didn't retreat, didn't lose faith that maybe you felt the same way? Or is all of this just too much, too complicated, too unnatural for you to jump aboard?

If it's the former, if you think you feel something too, you should pursue it. Encourage him. Let him know it's all right to throw in and go for broke. Yes, you risk a friendship, yes, it might not work out, but some things are worth a gamble. Most experiences aren't worth regretting, they're worth knowing and learning from.

And if not, well, try your best to cover up the fact that he ever spoke the words at all.

Regardless, after you've really dealt with this situation, you'll be able to educate others with your own personal story in "Adventures In The Friend Zone."

Everyone gets a chapter.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

We Did It For The Money

2007-07-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Drew,

I'm not even sure if you are still doing the blog - but I need advice since no one seems to be helping. Here it is - I am a 20 years old girl, living with my boyfriend soon to be fiancé and we have been together for more than a year. We live in Canada. I am Canadian, he is American. He has moved to be with me while I finish my studies as a photographer (1 1/2 year to go) but has been unable to find work since he cannot get a working visa and we are planning on moving to South California after my school. I am working full time a crappy job that doesn't pay well and go to school at night, full time. Our plan was for us to live in Canada until I was done school, then try and be either engaged or married by the time we move to the US and have my diploma so it is easier for me to find a job and get a visa. Recently, we have had huge money problems, so much that we cannot afford very basic needs in life. I have also been having health problems that have led me to a mild depression. All that has made us very unhappy, knowing that we would not have those problems if we didn't live here. I feel like I am holding us back here with my school and making us become unhappy, and even if we have the best couple, I am scared to slowly create big problems in our relationship that could lead us to go separate ways. We have both always lived a good life before, and been pretty wealthy, nice clothes, you know what I mean...but now it's debt after debt and the end of the month....is just bad. My dilemma here is that I am wondering if we should pack up our stuff, sell everything we own and move now. I thought it was very important to take our time and do all the steps to make the move work - marry, take care of my health problem while I am in a province where health care is free, do all the paperwork for my visa, slowly get ready and move, but now I don't know anymore. We are getting poor more and more, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend could work and make money for both of us in California. This would be the second time I would stop a diploma halfway, and it would really bother me to do so. I was planning to move to Cali to work as an assistant until I can invest in myself, but I am also scared that without a diploma the internships or assistant positions will not be easy to find, or I won't have enough experience for them. Photography is a crazy world and I am scared that if I do not take my time to get ready and work in California and try and network before I am, I will screw up my career. Another thing that is holding me back is that my parents invested a bit of money in my school (bought me a brand new camera), so I sort of feel that I have committed to them. They are also aware of my depression problems and will not probably not approve my move so soon (although I am pretty sure that the world I live in has created the way I feel towards my life). I have also taken the job I have for a period of two years, as they know that I am moving in a year 1/2, but they have been so good to me I'd feel really bad if I left early. So move or no move? I feel like I am staying here for everyone else but myself...but I also feel like I owe them something....It's so hard to live my life knowing that I would be - or maybe dreaming to be happy elsewhere. Please I need some advice...thank you soooo much.

-the girl who's dreaming of something else...

Dear Girl Who's Dreaming of Something Else,

This is a tough predicament, as its not about the right choice or the wrong choice, simply whichever option is best for you. Though I can't give you a fully accurate answer on that one without knowing even more about the situation, I will do my best.

Money problems are a significant issue in a lot of adult relationships, and they can often lead to the breakdown of a healthy bond between lovers. People face enough stress in their personal differences, but when external forces such as economic woes invade, friend can turn against friend, and an entire way of life that was once happy & healthy can rot at an inexplicable rate.

If I understand you correctly, you have a set of issues right now that require you to stay in Canada; financial, health, and educational. For you to be able to move forward in your relationship, these issues need to be adressed and confronted immediately. If by moving to California, you lose the ability to make progress and conquer these obstacles, you may soon find yourself in an even rougher position: resenting your boyfriend for setting you back even further.

However, you've also made a case for a better life in California. If your boyfriend could support both of you with the job he apparently has locked down out west, could he afford to handle your medical bills? Furthermore, do you believe that a photography degree will get you work as a photographer? It seems that what gets a photographer work is having the combination of the right tools, the right contacts, and a wealth of talent. I'm sure you could find plenty of actors looking for quality headshots out west.

The point is, what exactly is holding you back from leaving? Fear or wisdom? If you truly believe that moving will set you back, perhaps you should stay put and fight it out before leaving, as many people will tell you that you can't always outrun your problems. If you know that a better life awaits you, there's nothing wrong with busting a U-Turn and heading in the opposite direction.

I think your biggest fear is that of a separation. What would happen if, for the time being, he left and you stayed? Are you two strong enough to wait for the other? Take it from me, a year passes by very quickly if you're staying busy.

Now I know that love doesn't show its face everyday, but you need to remember one other important facet of your situation: you're 20 years old. You're not in your thirties, facing forclosure on the family farm, standing at a bus stop with your husband and kids. You've a lot more freedom than you realize. You may have to give up some luxuries and pleasantries you currently have to stay afloat, but the point is, don't upset your own future for a relationship so early in life. I'm not saying this guy doesn't matter, just that you need to keep your life goals in sharp focus right now. Do you want a degree in photography, do you want to continue to learn more about your craft, or are you ready to have a go at it in the real world?

If moving to California immediately is going to jeopardize your future and your development as a future, then don't do it. But if staying is just an act of fear, I wouldn't recommend that either. Though long distance relationships are not my cup of tea, I have seen them work, but regardless, you don't know what the future holds, the lives we connect with may travel far and wide, but often times a reconnection is inevitable.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't put the horse before the cart. I'm glad you're in love and you want to get married, but trying to become a bride before 21 isn't exactly a desperate necessity. Personally, I'd be more concerned with organizing my personal future than locking down a romantic one.

Don't make this decision for him, make it for yourself. You're too young to put your future in the laurels of another, so do what's best for you from the majority of angles, and give yourself a chance to get healthy and strong, no matter what country provides that chance.

Get well soon. Tough times are still ahead, but I promise you, you will make it through them, you will grow stronger, and you will find what you're looking for.

Youth should be about possibilities, not limitations.

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Click here to email Drew Lindo!

More than your mistakes...

2007-03-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Drew,

This is something that's not easy for me to talk about, but holding it inside has only made me crazy so I'll just get right to it: I cheated on my now soon to be ex-husband with my co-worker. Really the whole thing is blur because when I started working with this guy (I'll call him Brian) I really couldn't stand him. Brian is young (he's 19 and I'm 22), obnoxious, asks stupid random questions and isn't even very good looking. At first I avoided him like the plague, dreaded the days when I had to work near him and prayed his horrible work skills would just get him fired. After a while though, and for reasons I will never understand, Brian's presence became less and less horrific and our conversations actually became interesting and funny. My best guess is that his innocence and fascination for a crazier lifestyle sparked intrigue within me, because I am so used to being around people who have "done it all" that maybe I looked at this wholesome kid as someone I could to corrupt. Everyday Brian exhibited a flirtatious behavior that at first confused me, but soon became so intense just his mere presence drove me into a sexual frenzy. I had to remind myself constantly that I was married and nothing could ever happen between us, yet all I thought about was "if only I wasn't married..." Finally after agreeing to hang out with him to watch movies, and a few drinks later, the inevitable happened: I slept with him. He confessed to liking me, wanting to be with me, wishing I wasn't married, and hoping to have a relationship. I couldn't believe what I was doing, to my husband, our marriage... The next day I explained to Brian that I had a lot of thinking to do, that obviously my husband and I didn't have a perfect relationship, or else why would I do something so terrible. I tried to reassure him that I didn't regret what happened between us, but that for a while I just wanted to remain friends until I figured out what I should do. His response was quick, and somewhat shocking considering everything he told me the night before, that he completely agreed with my decision and felt that a friendship was best; he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone and felt like he was breaking up a marriage which made the whole thing a little unappealing. Despite having told him I just wanted to be friends, I was genuinely hurt by his sudden disinterest in me. And that's when it hit me: maybe at one point Brian really did like me and wanted to be with me, but in the end this whole thing was about him conquering a married woman. I had control and threw everything out when I made the decision to sleep with him. It was too late though, because my feelings just grew stronger the more he resisted me. We slept together a few more times after that first night before I finally sat my husband down and told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't tell him about Brian, just that I felt we had married too young and my feelings for him changed over time. I was relieved when he confessed to feeling the same way. He moved out two weeks later, and I was ecstatic because I hoped that Brian would see this as an opportunity for us to be together. I was wrong. Every once in a while he'll hint to wanting to hang out and go do something, but then he says he's too busy and can't make it. I feel like my life has been flipped completely upside down and this is my punishment for what I did... I know Brian no longer has feelings for me, if he ever did, so I'm not going to sit here and ask you how to win him over. I work with him, I see him everyday, and it's hard to look at him without wanting to be with him. But I'm not willing to give up my job. I love my job, there's nothing else out there like it, so quitting is really not an option. What I'd like to know is, how can I continue to work with him and stop all these feelings I have? Is it possible to get over someone you see constantly? I mean, maybe if he was an asshole and was direct about not liking me anymore I'd have an easier time moving on, but he's always super nice and still mildly flirtatious at times. It's obviously a game to keep me interested, and yeah it works! I just don't want to play his game anymore and can't seem to find a way out... please, any advice would help!!!

-Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

First things first: you have to forgive yourself.

"Forgiveness" gets thrown around a lot, it's implications often misunderstood. To me, forgiveness is not as simple as wiping the slate clean, forgetting the past, and moving on like nothing ever happened.

In short, forgiveness is not a quick-fix.

Forgiveness is about responsibility. It's about recognizing the mistakes you've made, understanding what effects those mistakes had on you and those you cared about, and moving on in life with the knowledge of what you've done so that you know not to take that path again.

Yes, you made a mistake. But you're not damned. You're flawed and human like the rest of us. You can regret the affair, but you cannot let it define who you are. You have to arm yourself with that painful knowledge and use it to make stronger choices in the years ahead.

With that said, let's focus on "Brian" for a moment.

What was it that drew you to him in the first place? It wasn't his good looks or irresistable personality. It sounds more like it was a power issue, a chance for you to exercise your charms, your sexual experience, and most importantly, bathe in the attention of a lesser experienced person who would make you feel...what? Alive? Young? Desired? Free?

Yet when he turns his attention away, your feelings develop and increase. Now you crave that sensation. You need to be wanted and desired.

In short, you just want to get high.

This is all understandable. These are feelings we all chase, but it reads to me like you're chasing those feelings up the wrong tree. You're after a sensation that may or may not reside in this guy's direction, but this isn't even the right guy for you.

This is simply a situation of chemistry/attraction and a psychological need for stimulation and attention.

You've become chemically dependant on this guy's attention.

I find that whenever I'm down, whenever I'm lamenting that I can't have something I want, a fantastic remedy is to start setting goals for myself, and taking aim with extreme prejudice.

How do you feel about you? Is there anything you want to improve? Change? Address?

Use the feelings you have for this guy as fuel to push yourself forward into a healthier and happier lifestyle. Sure, it's a petty motivation, but you've got to start somewhere. When it comes to just hooking up, "Brian" might have fit the bill, but if it's a relationship you want, you need to find someone who grabs you from the get-go, who satisfies your criteria instead of being there and available in a time of increasing stress and unhappiness.

For whatever reason, your marriage wasn't working. Did you really get a divorce over some guy you work with? Probably not. This guy was a catalyst, helping set events in motion for a complete upheaval and reboot of your former lifestyle.

You wanted freedom? You got it. It has a price, but it has it's privileges. Why waste them on a coworker who's nothing more than a fix? A fleeting chemical high?

You need a long-lasting sensation. A sense of pride and confidence in yourself, and an outlook of possibilities, chances for a life that is of your own design.

Dwelling on a former fling isn't pushing you forward, it's holding you back.

In the meantime, all I can say is that flirting is often a shared experience, a back and forth that perpetuates chemistry. If you want to keep your job and get over him at the same time, I suggest you start cutting this guy off of any and all emotionally satisfactory interactions. Don't give him a smile, don't laugh at his bad jokes, and don't make plans. This is not to say you should be nasty. You should instead be completely aloof and emotionally unavailable. After some time, your emotions will follow suit.

In the future, remember to allow yourself to recognize the difference between the infatuation of a feeling, and an actual connection with a person you truly admire.

They lead down very different roads.

You are not your mistakes. You are are more than a divorcee. You have the power to change, to evolve, to be happy and healthy and complete.

You are the choices you make tomorrow and the day after that. Forgive yourself and move on. The scars of the past are the guides for your future. Make the right decisions from here on out.

Good luck with your new life. Make it great.

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Click here to email Drew Lindo!