Get back on your fucking horse, and ride into that sunset.

I wouldn't call my last entry a cry for help. I'd say it was me expressing myself in a moment of doubt, a moment compounded by the opinions of others; namely someone I respect and trust who was turned off by my voice of self-preservation.

But then I started hearing from people. Those invisible readers that you hope are out there, gleaming something positive from the words you stamp out of your keyboard.

People like Jess and Kathleen who took the time to comment, took the time to let me know how much they enjoy the column and find it a positive influence.

And then of course, I get this in my inbox...

Hey Drew,

It's late at night, and I was checking my email. Entourage (my mail client)
has this weird habit of randomly regurgitating an old email as 'new' along
with my real 'new email messages'. Ok so what does this have to do with you?

Well, a few months ago, or perhaps maybe a year ago, I wrote to you for
advice regarding a situation. I was (well am, but you seem to know yourself
it's a process...) recovering from a situation where I experienced abuse,
and was struggling with the fact that it was impacting my relationship with
my fiancé, my self worth and self image and so on. I hope that helps to jog
your memory a bit, because I don't really have the emotional energy to get
into it any further at the moment!

Anyhow, I read the regurgitated email and it had told me that a response had
been posted to my inquiry on your blog. I decided to check up on you and
read through your advice given to others. I saw your last entry from May and
I wanted to email you.

First and foremost, your advice DID help me. I'd be totally lying if I said
it fixed everything. But it helped. And it made me feel a bit better. And
honestly, that's pretty damn good. The 'job' of an advice columnist is
thankless. People not asking for advice and reading along will say you're
wrong, your advice is horrible, they'll fling petty insults and so on. And
the people you do help won't write back to say thanks (guilty as charged...
Not proud of it). But honestly, it does make a difference. And your life
experiences, and the issues you have had to grapple with yourself make the
advice that much more potent.

Advice from someone that has never had to face any sort of adversity, or
from someone that's never had relationship issues (I know, I didn't think
people like that existed either.... HAH) feels hollow and empty, and is
usually useless. So while you seem to think that your experiences cripple
you and prevent you from offering good advice, or helping people, just
remember that the fact that you've been there actually improves things quite
a bit. I'm sure you've moved on to other things by now (at this point, is it
weird to admit that I'm curious? I'm odd like that) but when I saw your last
post, it struck me as extremely important that I email you. Not because what
I have to say is pivotal to you, or important, and perhaps partially out of
selfishness for wanting to avoid feeling badly about something, but still.
And yes, that was quite the run on sentence, crikes.

So thank you for your advice, it didn't hurt, in fact it helped. I wanted to
pass this along. I hope things are going well for you, and that you're
happy. I'm still struggling with my issues but it is getting better on a
daily basis and I remain optimistic.

Thank you :) And I hope this made you smile. If not, fake it for me, ok?
Ahahaha.

Cyn

God bless you, child. I smiled indeed.

So I'm pushing reset on this one. If you write me, I will answer. If you need some help, I will do my goddamn best.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to answer a question waiting in my inbox...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

This column doesn't work.

When Keiko & Matt first asked me to do this column for Postlapsaria 3 years ago, I was absolutely thrilled. Why wouldn't I want to dole out advice from a soapbox? I was self-righteous and cynical, with a dash of hope that I might help a soul or two.

Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

But the fact of the matter is, no matter how good my intentions, certain aspects of my personality, and certain defining experiences in my lifetime, have shaped and sculpted the scope of my answers to these increasingly difficult questions over the past few years.

And not always for the better.

I spent the majority of my childhood in an abusive situation in which I was powerless to escape. That powerless sense of futility and hopelessness took it's toll, and it seemed only anger and rage were able to keep me going. I swore that if and when I had the power, I'd run for the hills and never look back.

I'd outrun the demons until I found or built my own little Eden.

Over the years I tried and tried to create something healthy and peaceful for myself, new families built of new friends and lovers.

But none of it ever seemed to stay put; stay solid enough to live inside. Everything just had a way of falling apart, despite my best efforts.

Which brings me to this column. When it began, I was often asked questions that I had a great deal of experience in (unrequited love, unhealthy relationships/situations, self-loathing.)

But things change. I changed. Even falling in love with the right person wasn't a bulletproof promised land.

I learned one of the most terrible truths in life: the love you feel can slowly die, and all that's left is a shell of a union that deserves to be given the honorable Yearling Treatment so you can both move on with your own lives.

And it sort of shattered me. I realized that all that running away from the monsters of my youth was now replaced by a new sprint, a striving need to outrun the pain of love and friendship lost; of betrayals and abandonment by those you care for most.

So it would make sense that when people write in asking what to do about their currently-in-jeopardy love lives, I'd tell them to jump ship.

Every. Single. Time.

And it's not as cut and dried as me having turned into a romantic fatalist. I mean, that's a part of it, but another issue is that my damned Romantic Heart just won't kick the bucket and shut up. It forces me to believe that there's something better out there for all of us who are forced to settle for lives we don't want or enjoy.

But let's get back on point: the blame doesn't just lay with my ultra-protective-sense of self-preservation and escape.

It's with the format of this column itself.

I'm asked to solve complex emotional traumas using only the four-paragraph-descriptions of strangers who are totally overrun by the moment.

People want a quick fix from situations that would require weeks/months of therapy and objective observation to fully understand.

A bite-size response is not going to make it all better.

With almost every email I've received, I always react the same way when I finally publish a response:

"Your questions has been answered at Ask Drew Lindo. Let me know if it helps."

I very rarely hear back. I've gotten a few comments from people, mostly those who read the replies and feel the need to agree (or disagree) with my ranting.

But I don't know if I'm really helping anybody. And now I'm starting to worry that I might be altogether hurting instead.

I would much rather be working a call-in Hotline over the weekends than trying to understand who you are and what you need based off of a meltdown-fueled-email. I would much rather have an in-depth conversation than fire one single response into cyberspace like a flare and hope it reaches civilization.

I would much rather know that I can help instead of closing my eyes, wincing like a kid at the Dentist, and pressing "SEND."

So I don't think I'm going to do this anymore. I don't think I'm the right guy for the job anymore. Maybe when I'm in a different place in life, maybe when I've found the greener grass I'm holding out for can I better explain how to cultivate such soil and keep it healthy through the weathering storms.

But until then, I can only leave you with a few rules I try to live by, earned over the course of 26 years of experience that I'm truly grateful for...

1) Love Yourself.
That sounds easy. It's not. If you don't love yourself, you'll never know how to-

2) Protect Yourself
This doesn't mean be emotionally unavailable. It simply means keep yourself from being sucked into anyone else's abyss. There are monsters in this life, and they come in all shapes, sizes, and charming smiles. Some of them are cursed without ever understanding how much damage they inflict, while others truly enjoy it to a sickening degree. Avoid them at all costs.

3) Be True To Yourself
This is where everything comes together. If you love yourself, if you take care of yourself, you'll be able to look at your life in it's entirety enough to find some understanding about what you really want and need. Maybe you love the one you're with, but deeply need to explore some avenue of your soul that love obstructs. Maybe you need to put away some childish dreams, grow up, and be grateful for what's standing right in front of you.

If you seek truth, it will reveal itself, in all of it's righteous yet unflattering glory.

And last, but not least...

4) FIGHT FOR WHAT'S YOURS
Follow steps 1-3 before engaging in 4. It's easy to give up, it's sometimes a necessity. But at the end of every love, at the end of every bond, there is a chance to hold on, a chance to keep hope from walking out the door. Many of us let it go.

It's up to you to make the call. To move on or stay the course. To let the world tell you it's over or get back on your feet.

But you must never lose the spirit of will that drives us all to accomplish and gain what we want, need, and deserve.

Whatever you love, whatever you are, you've got to own it, flaws and all.

I'm not the guy with the answers. I'm a guy with a muddled mix of romantic/cynic filters covering his eyes. I'm a guy who wants to love, wants the world to love, for people to leave each other alone so they can just be together.

And I'm telling you not to give up on yourself or the life you've got. We've all got a chance for happiness, no matter how large or small.

Good luck to all, and to all a good night.

- Drew
askdrewlindo@gmail.com

Yeah. This sounds scary.

Drew,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We live in the same
house (in different rooms). We have both obviously been through a lot
and have changed individually and as a couple throughout the time
we've been dating. One thing that has been pretty consistent these
past years, though, is my boyfriend's attitude during fights. He
cannot control his emotions when we're fighting. We bicker over silly
little things, which often escalate to some extent, but not to
life-altering status. Still, it's as if he can't handle the situation
at all. He has been known (in the distant past) to throw incredible
tantrums, some with crying and screaming, some with pounding his fists
on his head, some with flinging himself into things, etc. While he no
longer takes it to such extremes, what he does now can still easily be
defined as throwing a tantrum. He still cries easily when most people
would say that the situation does not call for it (for example, I
often cry when the fight is a large or saddening one, but he only
cries when he is frustrated that the conversation is not going how he
wants it to). He has recently done such things as pound on the locked
door to my room when I tried to get some space from him, climb into a
garbage can when he was sad, follow me into my room when I had work to
do and refuse to leave, and flip me off at a gas station and then cuss
out a stranger who had smart-assedly said, "Oooooh, you shouldn't've
done that!"

It's funny, because writing this out makes it seem like we have an
endlessly bad relationship. It's great about 98% of the time. We DO
have positive debates and small tiffs sometimes. We are consistently
thoughtful of each other, and we almost always work out problems that
arise in a productive, rational, and caring way. We have discussed my
boyfriend's tantrums on many occasions, but we have only recently
begun to address them as something we can acknowledge and work
through. Upon doing a little research, we decided that when he was
starting to show the warning signs of a tantrum, I would say, "Calm
down, and then we can talk," and leave the room. Additionally, we
decided that I would not be so quick to anger during his tantrums. In
the past, I have been known to call him a "psycho" when I felt he was
yelling at me for no reason. Clearly, this does not help the situation
and often escalates the tantrum.

Anyway, tonight we had a fight. It started off really small and silly,
but after a while, I started to notice the beginning of the tantrum,
so I told him to calm down and that we would talk afterwards. The
tantrum got worse, so I told him that I did not want to talk about it
when he was so upset, and I tried to go to my room. He threw a pillow
at me and followed me into my room. I would like to mention that I did
not fall into my former habit of calling him a psycho or anything like
that. I just said that he was way too upset to talk and that I
therefore didn't want to talk to him about it anymore. He then
proceeded to follow me around the house, purposefully trying to make
me uncomfortable. An important note is that I have talked to him on
multiple occasions about how I believe therapy would be beneficial to
his functioning and to our relationship's success, but he is rigidly
and adamantly against it. So, I guess what I'm saying is, how do I
prevent these tantrums? How can we stop them before they start?
Alternately, how can I get him to understand that therapy is helpful
to many people (myself included)?

Thanks for your help.

You ask how you can prevent his tantrums, to stop them before they start.

This would require you to be able to control the emotions of someone else, someone who seems to indicate a highly volatile and histrionic nature.

What you're asking is impossible. Surely you can be more sensitive, more understanding every second of every day, but it doesn't sound like you're the combative type. If you're not stirring him to fight intentionally, what you have instead is a situation in which you're walking on eggshells because of his temper.

This sounds very unhealthy to me. It's not that far off from the attitude of a battered wife, who explains that she and her husband are happy most of the time, except when he gets crazy...but that's all her fault, in her mind.

People in relationships have disagreements and fights, it's a part of life. But if they live in fear of one another, fear of the heights of their partner's rage or anger, then that relationship will slowly erode, piece by piece.

Your boyfriend obviously has anger management issues he needs to work out, but if he refuses to do so, you're going to enable him to continue to treat you inappropriately when the two of you get into a fight. Obviously fights are designed to be dirty, to hurt one another when anger suits you, but when it reaches a place of any kind of physical act, whether it be self-inflicted or otherwise, that's when you need to start worrying a bit.

His highly volatile nature and need to encroach your physical space, not to mention his desire to hover around and intentionally disturb you when you need distance, speaks to a profound disrespect and immaturity. His anger blinds his logic, transforming you into an enemy, an object he needs to harass and defeat through means of intimidation and fear.

This is bad news, no matter how you slice it.

You asked how you could make him understand that therapy is a helpful venture? Well, again, the first step to recovery is acceptance, and until he takes responsibility for his problem and actively seeks to rectify it, you can't make him change. That's up to him. You can encourage and inspire him, motivate him to take a healthy step forward in improving his own life, but it will always come down to the same question: Does he feel the need to change? Not the desire, because desire doesn't always necessitate action, but the NEED.

People often find themselves in situations where they're constantly taking care of someone else, usually when their partner demonstrates an inability to be stable or independent in any way shape or form. It's the reason you hear people say they're afraid to break up with someone because the other person may not survive without them.

How many boyfriends or girlfriends threaten suicide or worse when panicking in the throes of a hysterical episode?

It's my belief that such people are unhealthy to be around, that the weight they put on your shoulders is too much to bear and only serves to drag the both of you into a dark and muddy quagmire of resentment and fear.

Love shouldn't be fueled or undercut by fear. Obviously your boyfriend needs professional help to get his behavior and anger under control, but if he refuses help or to listen, then you have to start thinking about what a life with him is going to entail.

I have recently had the experience of speaking with someone who suffered through an unsuccessful first marriage. At the time she believed things would eventually get better, and that it was her own fault that her partner treated her poorly. The point being, she wasted years of her life because she didn't think she could find anything better.

Life is too short to settle for people who do us wrong. Why get stuck with someone who's going to continue to make you feel trapped or encumbered?

You sound like a young woman caught between two sides of a man you can't let go of. If he's unable to reconcile himself, you're going to have to find a way out.

You don't want to be the woman who wakes up in ten years wishing you'd had the strength to get away when you could.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Adrift

Dear Drew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. He's in the military which has him traveling to various places every few months for a week up to a month a half. He's had to leave 3 times since we've been together, and though it hasn't always been easy, we've made it through so far.

I've noticed during our time together that when things get tough, he has a tendency to shut down and instead of talking to me about why he feels/reacts the way he does, he either doesn't respond at all, changes the subject, or simply says "I don't know" and nothing else. I've found that the best way, and pretty much the only way, to deal with him in situations like that is to leave him be, give him his space, and eventually he comes around on his own and everything will go back to normal.

Recently though I've noticed him separating himself from me a little bit more and more. At first he started spending more time with his friends doing guy stuff, which is fine, he's certainly free to do so. But after a while I began to notice that he doesn't want to go out and do things with me, opting to stay in and watch a movie instead. Whenever I mention wanting to go into the city, catch a movie, go to a club, etc. he says he's not in the mood and just wants to stay home, order some food, and watch TV with me. However when a friend of his asks him to go out, he's always down to hang out and do things outside of the house.

I reluctantly brought up the issue, knowing he probably wouldn't respond with anything much - and all he said was that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, that it didn't really mean anything, and that he wasn't intentionally not doing things with me outside of the house. Of course this could all be true, but this whole thing sort of came out of nowhere and he never mentioned that he wanted to hang out less before, so I hadn't thought much of it until now. At the same time, I'm not surprised that this is how he's reacting to needing space since he can't seem to open up about what he wants... he just sort of does it.

The problem I'm having now, and the reason I'm writing to you, is that within the last week he stopped saying "I love you." He would tell me "I love you" after practically every phone conversation, and now... nothing. And when I say it, he still responds with an "I love you," but it's quiet, sort of quick. Almost like he feels forced to say it. Then yesterday he told me that he's going to be leaving for 3 months in May. I asked him what that means for our relationship, and all he said was "I don't know. We'll figure it out when the time comes." I said, "I know what that means... and it's not good." He responded to that by saying, "You don't know that..." And that was it, end of conversation. I knew pressing any harder would make him shut down, and I was actually surprised I got that much out of him.

I just don't understand how he could go from loving me, telling me I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, that I'm his favorite, etc. to... well, THIS! And in such a short period of time. Nothing has changed on my part, I'm still the same person, with the same feelings for him. He's breaking my heart, and all I can do is sit here and wait for May... I never thought he'd be someone to toy with my feelings like this, considering he's been there himself so many times, but it's like he just doesn't care anymore. He's still affectionate, he still wants to see me, but it's not the same. My fear is that he wants to break up but doesn't know how to or can't bring himself to do it. Or my other thought is that he knows he's going away for a while, and he's afraid I won't be able to handle the time apart and he doesn't want to get hurt - so he's pushing me away. He has mentioned to me a few times in conversation that he has a tendency to push people away (friends included) and just stops caring if he feels like he needs to.

I don't want to break up. I would gladly wait 3 months for him. I wish he knew he had nothing to worry about, if he even is worried. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking. For now I'm giving him the space he needs, and he can call me when he wants to talk or see me. I know telling him how I feel will push him further away, so I'm stuck. When he told me he was leaving he was actually smiling, like the whole thing is a joke. But that's how he deals with things when it gets tough. He makes a joke out it and always says not to worry. I'm not sure he can even help it. Hell, I'm not even really sure what I'm asking you here, but I needed to write it out and hopefully you can give me some advice from a guys perspective so I have some understanding as to what's going on in his head.

Dear Ms. Adrift,

This is a very difficult question for me to answer for many reasons. It's tough for me to gauge exactly what's going on in his head for you, and I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news if I'm wrong.

That being said, I also feel qualified to answer because I am very similar to your boyfriend in some regards. I can remember in the waning days of past relationships taking a similar, distant approach. Apathy can in fact set in when feelings begin to fall away.

One thing I would recommend is to never address these issues at night, just before going to sleep. Problems and serious discussions (fights) have a habit of coming to a head at night, and guys usually don't have the energy to deal with them at that point. We want to sleep and deal with it later. Women often push to resolve it right then and there, not wanting to force themselves to sleep with the stress of things being wrong between them.

So that brings us to the day. The day when you want to tell him how you feel, hear how he feels, and find a way to get back to where you used to be. Happy, affectionate, and true to one another.

Yet you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself because as soon as you do, he shuts down. Now you strike me as a young woman who is open and expressive with her feelings. I'm not sure shutting down simultaneously is the answer. People can't often change who they are.

I'm sorry to say this, but is sounds like you've already figured it out. I'm sure he loves and cares for you, but yes, it is possible that he's fallen out of love and is worried about hurting you.

I understand you don't want to break up. You two could go another six months without pulling the trigger if you wanted, but it's just going to get colder and colder between you.

I feel like the only option is one last stand of communication. Find some time in the day and have the conversation. Don't be confrontational, and no matter how much you have to lie about it, try to make him understand he can be honest with you, and not to worry about hurting your feelings.

Obviously, if he does want to leave it is in fact going to hurt you, but if you want to get to the bottom of this, it's going to take honest communication. If he's incapable of communicating honestly with you, I'd say that's a red flag.

It might just be that he's shutting down because of the travel and the service, of course, but if that is the case, it needs to be communicated and addressed. He can't just take on all of the issues of being in a long distance relationship by himself. If there's still hope for you two, than you can confront the issues of distance TOGETHER. But if he insists on pulling away from you and refuses to work towards being emotionally intimate...well, yes, that is cause for concern.

One issue we haven't even confronted is the fact that...well, he's in THE MILITARY. You haven't made any mention of Iraq, but there is a possibility that the idea of active duty has crossed his mind and he doesn't want any emotional attachments to get in the way of that kind of life, should he find himself in it.

But if that was on the table, I think you would have noticed or mentioned it in your email.

You're not crazy. But I have to be honest with you and say that you need to be prepared. If he does want to break up for the right reasons (lack of feelings) instead of the wrong reasons (trying to protect himself or you from the pain of distance) then guess what?

You will survive. Both of you. And if he's anything like me or many other guys I've talked to, his need to be alone will be seriously shaken if you two indeed separate. That's the true test, is it really what he wants after he has it?

I'm not saying you should quit on him, or just let him go. I'm saying you should exhaust every possible manner of honest communication to try to get him to be honest. If he refuses to open up, or if he does and it is your worst fears confirmed, then let him go.

Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. The key is being able to look back and know you did all you could to make things work, and in the end, someone else decided to give up, move on, or stop being there for you.

And if that's the case, my dear, don't be afraid. Everyone we meet, love, and lose becomes a building block for a better tomorrow. We accrue enough experiences to prepare us for the right kind of love, the right kind of person who is going to be there no matter what.

When you find them, you hold on and never let go.

Best of luck.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

If we can be inspirational for a moment...

Dear drew,

I am fresh popped out of college. And this election is the most important one of our lives. I think I like Obama but I don't know if some benign force will allow a black man to become president. Then on the other foot, my womanhood condemns me to vote for Hillary. A couple months ago I stumbled upon your website and I was really impressed, it looks like your really helping people. Go you! This election effects you and I, and simply put, in terms you can understand. Who do you endorse? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders; so I was hoping to pick your brain. Also, my dad says the most important issue is NAFTA. What do you think about that?

Presidentially Confused in Philly

Dear Presidentially Confused in Philly,

You know what politics have meant to most people our age for about eight years now?

Nothing. Our generation has deteriorated into a state of political and ideological apathy. Previous generations took to the streets to stand against corrupt governments and abuse of power. Where are we now?

I'll tell you where we are now. We've given up. People don't believe in leaders or politicians anymore, and why should they? How many in power have proven to be corrupt? How many have abused their positions, giving into lobbyists for fat paychecks and favors instead of protecting and aiding their citizens?

Politics is no longer an exciting challenge of ideas and execution; to the the common man or woman, politics is bullshit. There's no one to trust. No one to believe in. It seems to boil down to the lesser of two evils on every ballot.

Even when I voted for Kerry in 2004, I did so as an apologist. He wasn't a savior, he just didn't happen to represent the absolute holocaust of American values that George Bush did...and still does.

Why am I writing all of this?

I'm writing all of this because for the first time in almost a decade, there is a candidate who wipes away the things I hate about politics, there is a candidate who inspires me to believe in something again, something noble.

That candidate is Barack Obama.

When he speaks, he speaks as a leader, as a soon-to-be father of a nation telling us one and all that it is okay to dream again, that we can wake from the sleeping death-knell of apathy and naivety to instead reach for hope, change and progress.

He is young and idealistic, untainted by the years of political mudslinging and closed-door-favors that spoil the spirits of so many politicians over the years. Detractors speak of his lack of experience. I see a lack of corruption and shady practices. I see a candidate who commands American attention. A man of intelligence, integrity and charisma.

These are all attributes sorely lacking in George W. Bush, but this is stating the obvious.

We need a president we can be proud of again. A President who embodies the best about America, not the worst. This is a land of opportunity, a country founded on the principles that anyone from any walk of life can succeed and thrive when given the chance.

Many speak of race being a heavy factor in this election. They're right. The hard-boiled truth is that many Americans will vote for Barack Obama simply because he is black, and others won't give him their vote for the very same reason.

That's the country we live in. It's not perfect.

The question I keep asking is if America is getting better? Is America ready to start getting better?

I choose to believe that it is. I choose to believe that America will shape up and start cleaning up the mess we've made over the past eight years under the worst administration this country has ever seen.

I believe in Barack Obama. I believe not in his perfection, but in his abilities, intentions and qualities. He is a leader who inspires hope and pride in a country that is in dire need of both.

I am voting for Barack Obama because I want to believe in America again.

I encourage everyone to do the same.

For information on the current state of Clinton and Obama's NAFTA dialogue, click here...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

THIS JUST IN:

The universe is an evil mother-fucker.

Amazon Island

Dear Drew,

I'm sure you don't remember, but around this time in 2005, I wrote to you about relationship troubles I was having. About a day after you posted your response, I found a guy who returned my feelings and whom I didn't have to wait around for or "convince." And he made me very happy, so I want to thank you for that.
Unfortunately, six months later, that all went up in flames, and I'm not so sure I've actually gotten over it yet. I haven't had a chance to. I moved on to another guy who didn't last, and he (my ex) moved on to numerous other girls, and now, somehow, we've reached an awkward point where he is in a very serious relationship with one of my best friends. I was wary of this situation from its beginning but I didn't want to seem unsupportive. Now, though, I'm just becoming more and more unhappy. My friendship with my ex is very volatile and it doesn't help that we're both very stubborn. I never know how long we'll be friends before we start fighting again, which puts tension on all of our friends and especially his girlfriend.
I'm writing because I don't know what to do about this anymore. I always seem to feel that isolating myself from him for "x" amount of time would be the best decision, but he's been assimilated into my group of friends, so I'd have to isolate myself from them, as well. Part of me doesn't want to have to be the one to give up everything just to smooth things over, but I hate how unhappy he makes me. What do I do?

Yours,
Troubled Friend

Dear Troubled Friend,

If you truly feel that you and your ex cannot get along (yes, this is normal) then the issue no longer lies with him, it lies with your friends.

You need to have an open and honest discussion with your friends about what you're feeling and what you need. I'm not advising that you give them an ultimatum. I'm recommending you start making plans with them that do not include him, after having a discussion on the importance of privacy from the dreaded ex.

If he's assimilated himself deeply, you cannot escape the reality that he is going to be around. But by appealing to your friends on an honest and sensitive level, by indicating that having quality time with them is important to you, you can start taking steps to enjoy their company without a negative presence.

Yes, I am talking about girl time.

This process is about acceptance. You have to accept that he is now a part of your friend's lives, while they must accept that you need their support during this difficult time.

This isn't about win or lose, it's about finding a suitable compromise for all parties. No competition, no trash talking, just working together to find a solution to the problem.

So be honest, sensitive, and reasonable in your dealings with everyone involved. If doing so brings no grace or understanding on their part, then it may be time for you to start looking for better friends.

Nice hearing from you again and good luck with the negotiations.


Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.