This column doesn't work.
When Keiko & Matt first asked me to do this column for Postlapsaria 3 years ago, I was absolutely thrilled. Why wouldn't I want to dole out advice from a soapbox? I was self-righteous and cynical, with a dash of hope that I might help a soul or two.
Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.
But the fact of the matter is, no matter how good my intentions, certain aspects of my personality, and certain defining experiences in my lifetime, have shaped and sculpted the scope of my answers to these increasingly difficult questions over the past few years.
And not always for the better.
I spent the majority of my childhood in an abusive situation in which I was powerless to escape. That powerless sense of futility and hopelessness took it's toll, and it seemed only anger and rage were able to keep me going. I swore that if and when I had the power, I'd run for the hills and never look back.
I'd outrun the demons until I found or built my own little Eden.
Over the years I tried and tried to create something healthy and peaceful for myself, new families built of new friends and lovers.
But none of it ever seemed to stay put; stay solid enough to live inside. Everything just had a way of falling apart, despite my best efforts.
Which brings me to this column. When it began, I was often asked questions that I had a great deal of experience in (unrequited love, unhealthy relationships/situations, self-loathing.)
But things change. I changed. Even falling in love with the right person wasn't a bulletproof promised land.
I learned one of the most terrible truths in life: the love you feel can slowly die, and all that's left is a shell of a union that deserves to be given the honorable Yearling Treatment so you can both move on with your own lives.
And it sort of shattered me. I realized that all that running away from the monsters of my youth was now replaced by a new sprint, a striving need to outrun the pain of love and friendship lost; of betrayals and abandonment by those you care for most.
So it would make sense that when people write in asking what to do about their currently-in-jeopardy love lives, I'd tell them to jump ship.
Every. Single. Time.
And it's not as cut and dried as me having turned into a romantic fatalist. I mean, that's a part of it, but another issue is that my damned Romantic Heart just won't kick the bucket and shut up. It forces me to believe that there's something better out there for all of us who are forced to settle for lives we don't want or enjoy.
But let's get back on point: the blame doesn't just lay with my ultra-protective-sense of self-preservation and escape.
It's with the format of this column itself.
I'm asked to solve complex emotional traumas using only the four-paragraph-descriptions of strangers who are totally overrun by the moment.
People want a quick fix from situations that would require weeks/months of therapy and objective observation to fully understand.
A bite-size response is not going to make it all better.
With almost every email I've received, I always react the same way when I finally publish a response:
"Your questions has been answered at Ask Drew Lindo. Let me know if it helps."
I very rarely hear back. I've gotten a few comments from people, mostly those who read the replies and feel the need to agree (or disagree) with my ranting.
But I don't know if I'm really helping anybody. And now I'm starting to worry that I might be altogether hurting instead.
I would much rather be working a call-in Hotline over the weekends than trying to understand who you are and what you need based off of a meltdown-fueled-email. I would much rather have an in-depth conversation than fire one single response into cyberspace like a flare and hope it reaches civilization.
I would much rather know that I can help instead of closing my eyes, wincing like a kid at the Dentist, and pressing "SEND."
So I don't think I'm going to do this anymore. I don't think I'm the right guy for the job anymore. Maybe when I'm in a different place in life, maybe when I've found the greener grass I'm holding out for can I better explain how to cultivate such soil and keep it healthy through the weathering storms.
But until then, I can only leave you with a few rules I try to live by, earned over the course of 26 years of experience that I'm truly grateful for...
1) Love Yourself.
That sounds easy. It's not. If you don't love yourself, you'll never know how to-
2) Protect Yourself
This doesn't mean be emotionally unavailable. It simply means keep yourself from being sucked into anyone else's abyss. There are monsters in this life, and they come in all shapes, sizes, and charming smiles. Some of them are cursed without ever understanding how much damage they inflict, while others truly enjoy it to a sickening degree. Avoid them at all costs.
3) Be True To Yourself
This is where everything comes together. If you love yourself, if you take care of yourself, you'll be able to look at your life in it's entirety enough to find some understanding about what you really want and need. Maybe you love the one you're with, but deeply need to explore some avenue of your soul that love obstructs. Maybe you need to put away some childish dreams, grow up, and be grateful for what's standing right in front of you.
If you seek truth, it will reveal itself, in all of it's righteous yet unflattering glory.
And last, but not least...
4) FIGHT FOR WHAT'S YOURS
Follow steps 1-3 before engaging in 4. It's easy to give up, it's sometimes a necessity. But at the end of every love, at the end of every bond, there is a chance to hold on, a chance to keep hope from walking out the door. Many of us let it go.
It's up to you to make the call. To move on or stay the course. To let the world tell you it's over or get back on your feet.
But you must never lose the spirit of will that drives us all to accomplish and gain what we want, need, and deserve.
Whatever you love, whatever you are, you've got to own it, flaws and all.
I'm not the guy with the answers. I'm a guy with a muddled mix of romantic/cynic filters covering his eyes. I'm a guy who wants to love, wants the world to love, for people to leave each other alone so they can just be together.
And I'm telling you not to give up on yourself or the life you've got. We've all got a chance for happiness, no matter how large or small.
Good luck to all, and to all a good night.
- Drew
askdrewlindo@gmail.com
Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.
But the fact of the matter is, no matter how good my intentions, certain aspects of my personality, and certain defining experiences in my lifetime, have shaped and sculpted the scope of my answers to these increasingly difficult questions over the past few years.
And not always for the better.
I spent the majority of my childhood in an abusive situation in which I was powerless to escape. That powerless sense of futility and hopelessness took it's toll, and it seemed only anger and rage were able to keep me going. I swore that if and when I had the power, I'd run for the hills and never look back.
I'd outrun the demons until I found or built my own little Eden.
Over the years I tried and tried to create something healthy and peaceful for myself, new families built of new friends and lovers.
But none of it ever seemed to stay put; stay solid enough to live inside. Everything just had a way of falling apart, despite my best efforts.
Which brings me to this column. When it began, I was often asked questions that I had a great deal of experience in (unrequited love, unhealthy relationships/situations, self-loathing.)
But things change. I changed. Even falling in love with the right person wasn't a bulletproof promised land.
I learned one of the most terrible truths in life: the love you feel can slowly die, and all that's left is a shell of a union that deserves to be given the honorable Yearling Treatment so you can both move on with your own lives.
And it sort of shattered me. I realized that all that running away from the monsters of my youth was now replaced by a new sprint, a striving need to outrun the pain of love and friendship lost; of betrayals and abandonment by those you care for most.
So it would make sense that when people write in asking what to do about their currently-in-jeopardy love lives, I'd tell them to jump ship.
Every. Single. Time.
And it's not as cut and dried as me having turned into a romantic fatalist. I mean, that's a part of it, but another issue is that my damned Romantic Heart just won't kick the bucket and shut up. It forces me to believe that there's something better out there for all of us who are forced to settle for lives we don't want or enjoy.
But let's get back on point: the blame doesn't just lay with my ultra-protective-sense of self-preservation and escape.
It's with the format of this column itself.
I'm asked to solve complex emotional traumas using only the four-paragraph-descriptions of strangers who are totally overrun by the moment.
People want a quick fix from situations that would require weeks/months of therapy and objective observation to fully understand.
A bite-size response is not going to make it all better.
With almost every email I've received, I always react the same way when I finally publish a response:
"Your questions has been answered at Ask Drew Lindo. Let me know if it helps."
I very rarely hear back. I've gotten a few comments from people, mostly those who read the replies and feel the need to agree (or disagree) with my ranting.
But I don't know if I'm really helping anybody. And now I'm starting to worry that I might be altogether hurting instead.
I would much rather be working a call-in Hotline over the weekends than trying to understand who you are and what you need based off of a meltdown-fueled-email. I would much rather have an in-depth conversation than fire one single response into cyberspace like a flare and hope it reaches civilization.
I would much rather know that I can help instead of closing my eyes, wincing like a kid at the Dentist, and pressing "SEND."
So I don't think I'm going to do this anymore. I don't think I'm the right guy for the job anymore. Maybe when I'm in a different place in life, maybe when I've found the greener grass I'm holding out for can I better explain how to cultivate such soil and keep it healthy through the weathering storms.
But until then, I can only leave you with a few rules I try to live by, earned over the course of 26 years of experience that I'm truly grateful for...
1) Love Yourself.
That sounds easy. It's not. If you don't love yourself, you'll never know how to-
2) Protect Yourself
This doesn't mean be emotionally unavailable. It simply means keep yourself from being sucked into anyone else's abyss. There are monsters in this life, and they come in all shapes, sizes, and charming smiles. Some of them are cursed without ever understanding how much damage they inflict, while others truly enjoy it to a sickening degree. Avoid them at all costs.
3) Be True To Yourself
This is where everything comes together. If you love yourself, if you take care of yourself, you'll be able to look at your life in it's entirety enough to find some understanding about what you really want and need. Maybe you love the one you're with, but deeply need to explore some avenue of your soul that love obstructs. Maybe you need to put away some childish dreams, grow up, and be grateful for what's standing right in front of you.
If you seek truth, it will reveal itself, in all of it's righteous yet unflattering glory.
And last, but not least...
4) FIGHT FOR WHAT'S YOURS
Follow steps 1-3 before engaging in 4. It's easy to give up, it's sometimes a necessity. But at the end of every love, at the end of every bond, there is a chance to hold on, a chance to keep hope from walking out the door. Many of us let it go.
It's up to you to make the call. To move on or stay the course. To let the world tell you it's over or get back on your feet.
But you must never lose the spirit of will that drives us all to accomplish and gain what we want, need, and deserve.
Whatever you love, whatever you are, you've got to own it, flaws and all.
I'm not the guy with the answers. I'm a guy with a muddled mix of romantic/cynic filters covering his eyes. I'm a guy who wants to love, wants the world to love, for people to leave each other alone so they can just be together.
And I'm telling you not to give up on yourself or the life you've got. We've all got a chance for happiness, no matter how large or small.
Good luck to all, and to all a good night.
- Drew
askdrewlindo@gmail.com
posted by Drew at
12:55 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Drew,
I'm a 26 year old girl on the other side of the Atlantic, and I'm happy to say that I think you're completely wrong!
I enjoy returning to this site from month to month to read your advice. I'll have a look at the question and think, "Wow, I wouldn't know how to begin to advise that person," and then as I read your response, I always completely agree with your take on the issue - it's always sound, extremely balanced and sensitive reasoning.
I think you do yourself a massive disservice, and your sense at the moment that you always give "jump ship" advice isn't as simple as "I've had these experiences and therefore my advice will be biased." Usually the people struggling with these dilemmas are already in a situation where they pretty much KNOW what they have to do - you give them the self-confidence and assurance to do what needs to be done.
Of course the advice we give is affected by our own experiences - but that's not a downside. Anyone who asks for advice is always aware that it will be subjective.
A few people have written to thank you - perhaps you've forgotten - and there have been many questions to do with self-esteem and a variety of issues, not just "should we break up?" questions.
On the whole though, I can imagine it must be frustrating to expend energy, thought and emotion into problems and to never hear the outcome. I'm an English teacher, and I have the same problem to a large extent - I rarely know how much kids have taken from my lessons.
Four paragraphs of a problem may be reductive and sometimes irritating, but I think people choose to portray their dilemma in a certain way because either they want a particular piece of advice, or just because a stranger will see there problem in a completely fresh light, and they don't want to cloud that.
I hope your disillusionment with friendships, romance, life and this column does not last . . . if there's one thing I know it's that there are no rules or absolutes, but if YOU ever want a stranger's advice, please feel free to ask.
Your column is full of warmth and humanity, and even though I've never posed you a problem, I've definitely been a recipient of that warmth. I and the many many others who have benefitted from your advice would be more than happy to reciprocate.
Love and good luck,
Jess x
By
Jess, at 8:22 AM
While this entry was beautifully composed, I have to agree with Jess. Your advice has helped a lot of people. I have never written an email with one of my problems, but believe me I have them & reading your column has helped significantly. Granted, you are probably going through a tough time & just need to step back, take a break, and focus on yourself. Take all the time you need, but just know that you have a difference & I hope you continue to make a difference with other things in your life. Good luck!
- Kathleen
By
Anonymous, at 3:51 PM
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