Adrift

Dear Drew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. He's in the military which has him traveling to various places every few months for a week up to a month a half. He's had to leave 3 times since we've been together, and though it hasn't always been easy, we've made it through so far.

I've noticed during our time together that when things get tough, he has a tendency to shut down and instead of talking to me about why he feels/reacts the way he does, he either doesn't respond at all, changes the subject, or simply says "I don't know" and nothing else. I've found that the best way, and pretty much the only way, to deal with him in situations like that is to leave him be, give him his space, and eventually he comes around on his own and everything will go back to normal.

Recently though I've noticed him separating himself from me a little bit more and more. At first he started spending more time with his friends doing guy stuff, which is fine, he's certainly free to do so. But after a while I began to notice that he doesn't want to go out and do things with me, opting to stay in and watch a movie instead. Whenever I mention wanting to go into the city, catch a movie, go to a club, etc. he says he's not in the mood and just wants to stay home, order some food, and watch TV with me. However when a friend of his asks him to go out, he's always down to hang out and do things outside of the house.

I reluctantly brought up the issue, knowing he probably wouldn't respond with anything much - and all he said was that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, that it didn't really mean anything, and that he wasn't intentionally not doing things with me outside of the house. Of course this could all be true, but this whole thing sort of came out of nowhere and he never mentioned that he wanted to hang out less before, so I hadn't thought much of it until now. At the same time, I'm not surprised that this is how he's reacting to needing space since he can't seem to open up about what he wants... he just sort of does it.

The problem I'm having now, and the reason I'm writing to you, is that within the last week he stopped saying "I love you." He would tell me "I love you" after practically every phone conversation, and now... nothing. And when I say it, he still responds with an "I love you," but it's quiet, sort of quick. Almost like he feels forced to say it. Then yesterday he told me that he's going to be leaving for 3 months in May. I asked him what that means for our relationship, and all he said was "I don't know. We'll figure it out when the time comes." I said, "I know what that means... and it's not good." He responded to that by saying, "You don't know that..." And that was it, end of conversation. I knew pressing any harder would make him shut down, and I was actually surprised I got that much out of him.

I just don't understand how he could go from loving me, telling me I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, that I'm his favorite, etc. to... well, THIS! And in such a short period of time. Nothing has changed on my part, I'm still the same person, with the same feelings for him. He's breaking my heart, and all I can do is sit here and wait for May... I never thought he'd be someone to toy with my feelings like this, considering he's been there himself so many times, but it's like he just doesn't care anymore. He's still affectionate, he still wants to see me, but it's not the same. My fear is that he wants to break up but doesn't know how to or can't bring himself to do it. Or my other thought is that he knows he's going away for a while, and he's afraid I won't be able to handle the time apart and he doesn't want to get hurt - so he's pushing me away. He has mentioned to me a few times in conversation that he has a tendency to push people away (friends included) and just stops caring if he feels like he needs to.

I don't want to break up. I would gladly wait 3 months for him. I wish he knew he had nothing to worry about, if he even is worried. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking. For now I'm giving him the space he needs, and he can call me when he wants to talk or see me. I know telling him how I feel will push him further away, so I'm stuck. When he told me he was leaving he was actually smiling, like the whole thing is a joke. But that's how he deals with things when it gets tough. He makes a joke out it and always says not to worry. I'm not sure he can even help it. Hell, I'm not even really sure what I'm asking you here, but I needed to write it out and hopefully you can give me some advice from a guys perspective so I have some understanding as to what's going on in his head.

Dear Ms. Adrift,

This is a very difficult question for me to answer for many reasons. It's tough for me to gauge exactly what's going on in his head for you, and I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news if I'm wrong.

That being said, I also feel qualified to answer because I am very similar to your boyfriend in some regards. I can remember in the waning days of past relationships taking a similar, distant approach. Apathy can in fact set in when feelings begin to fall away.

One thing I would recommend is to never address these issues at night, just before going to sleep. Problems and serious discussions (fights) have a habit of coming to a head at night, and guys usually don't have the energy to deal with them at that point. We want to sleep and deal with it later. Women often push to resolve it right then and there, not wanting to force themselves to sleep with the stress of things being wrong between them.

So that brings us to the day. The day when you want to tell him how you feel, hear how he feels, and find a way to get back to where you used to be. Happy, affectionate, and true to one another.

Yet you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself because as soon as you do, he shuts down. Now you strike me as a young woman who is open and expressive with her feelings. I'm not sure shutting down simultaneously is the answer. People can't often change who they are.

I'm sorry to say this, but is sounds like you've already figured it out. I'm sure he loves and cares for you, but yes, it is possible that he's fallen out of love and is worried about hurting you.

I understand you don't want to break up. You two could go another six months without pulling the trigger if you wanted, but it's just going to get colder and colder between you.

I feel like the only option is one last stand of communication. Find some time in the day and have the conversation. Don't be confrontational, and no matter how much you have to lie about it, try to make him understand he can be honest with you, and not to worry about hurting your feelings.

Obviously, if he does want to leave it is in fact going to hurt you, but if you want to get to the bottom of this, it's going to take honest communication. If he's incapable of communicating honestly with you, I'd say that's a red flag.

It might just be that he's shutting down because of the travel and the service, of course, but if that is the case, it needs to be communicated and addressed. He can't just take on all of the issues of being in a long distance relationship by himself. If there's still hope for you two, than you can confront the issues of distance TOGETHER. But if he insists on pulling away from you and refuses to work towards being emotionally intimate...well, yes, that is cause for concern.

One issue we haven't even confronted is the fact that...well, he's in THE MILITARY. You haven't made any mention of Iraq, but there is a possibility that the idea of active duty has crossed his mind and he doesn't want any emotional attachments to get in the way of that kind of life, should he find himself in it.

But if that was on the table, I think you would have noticed or mentioned it in your email.

You're not crazy. But I have to be honest with you and say that you need to be prepared. If he does want to break up for the right reasons (lack of feelings) instead of the wrong reasons (trying to protect himself or you from the pain of distance) then guess what?

You will survive. Both of you. And if he's anything like me or many other guys I've talked to, his need to be alone will be seriously shaken if you two indeed separate. That's the true test, is it really what he wants after he has it?

I'm not saying you should quit on him, or just let him go. I'm saying you should exhaust every possible manner of honest communication to try to get him to be honest. If he refuses to open up, or if he does and it is your worst fears confirmed, then let him go.

Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. The key is being able to look back and know you did all you could to make things work, and in the end, someone else decided to give up, move on, or stop being there for you.

And if that's the case, my dear, don't be afraid. Everyone we meet, love, and lose becomes a building block for a better tomorrow. We accrue enough experiences to prepare us for the right kind of love, the right kind of person who is going to be there no matter what.

When you find them, you hold on and never let go.

Best of luck.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.