Amazon Island
Dear Drew,
I'm sure you don't remember, but around this time in 2005, I wrote to you about relationship troubles I was having. About a day after you posted your response, I found a guy who returned my feelings and whom I didn't have to wait around for or "convince." And he made me very happy, so I want to thank you for that.
Unfortunately, six months later, that all went up in flames, and I'm not so sure I've actually gotten over it yet. I haven't had a chance to. I moved on to another guy who didn't last, and he (my ex) moved on to numerous other girls, and now, somehow, we've reached an awkward point where he is in a very serious relationship with one of my best friends. I was wary of this situation from its beginning but I didn't want to seem unsupportive. Now, though, I'm just becoming more and more unhappy. My friendship with my ex is very volatile and it doesn't help that we're both very stubborn. I never know how long we'll be friends before we start fighting again, which puts tension on all of our friends and especially his girlfriend.
I'm writing because I don't know what to do about this anymore. I always seem to feel that isolating myself from him for "x" amount of time would be the best decision, but he's been assimilated into my group of friends, so I'd have to isolate myself from them, as well. Part of me doesn't want to have to be the one to give up everything just to smooth things over, but I hate how unhappy he makes me. What do I do?
Yours,
Troubled Friend
Dear Troubled Friend,
If you truly feel that you and your ex cannot get along (yes, this is normal) then the issue no longer lies with him, it lies with your friends.
You need to have an open and honest discussion with your friends about what you're feeling and what you need. I'm not advising that you give them an ultimatum. I'm recommending you start making plans with them that do not include him, after having a discussion on the importance of privacy from the dreaded ex.
If he's assimilated himself deeply, you cannot escape the reality that he is going to be around. But by appealing to your friends on an honest and sensitive level, by indicating that having quality time with them is important to you, you can start taking steps to enjoy their company without a negative presence.
Yes, I am talking about girl time.
This process is about acceptance. You have to accept that he is now a part of your friend's lives, while they must accept that you need their support during this difficult time.
This isn't about win or lose, it's about finding a suitable compromise for all parties. No competition, no trash talking, just working together to find a solution to the problem.
So be honest, sensitive, and reasonable in your dealings with everyone involved. If doing so brings no grace or understanding on their part, then it may be time for you to start looking for better friends.
Nice hearing from you again and good luck with the negotiations.
Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.
I'm sure you don't remember, but around this time in 2005, I wrote to you about relationship troubles I was having. About a day after you posted your response, I found a guy who returned my feelings and whom I didn't have to wait around for or "convince." And he made me very happy, so I want to thank you for that.
Unfortunately, six months later, that all went up in flames, and I'm not so sure I've actually gotten over it yet. I haven't had a chance to. I moved on to another guy who didn't last, and he (my ex) moved on to numerous other girls, and now, somehow, we've reached an awkward point where he is in a very serious relationship with one of my best friends. I was wary of this situation from its beginning but I didn't want to seem unsupportive. Now, though, I'm just becoming more and more unhappy. My friendship with my ex is very volatile and it doesn't help that we're both very stubborn. I never know how long we'll be friends before we start fighting again, which puts tension on all of our friends and especially his girlfriend.
I'm writing because I don't know what to do about this anymore. I always seem to feel that isolating myself from him for "x" amount of time would be the best decision, but he's been assimilated into my group of friends, so I'd have to isolate myself from them, as well. Part of me doesn't want to have to be the one to give up everything just to smooth things over, but I hate how unhappy he makes me. What do I do?
Yours,
Troubled Friend
Dear Troubled Friend,
If you truly feel that you and your ex cannot get along (yes, this is normal) then the issue no longer lies with him, it lies with your friends.
You need to have an open and honest discussion with your friends about what you're feeling and what you need. I'm not advising that you give them an ultimatum. I'm recommending you start making plans with them that do not include him, after having a discussion on the importance of privacy from the dreaded ex.
If he's assimilated himself deeply, you cannot escape the reality that he is going to be around. But by appealing to your friends on an honest and sensitive level, by indicating that having quality time with them is important to you, you can start taking steps to enjoy their company without a negative presence.
Yes, I am talking about girl time.
This process is about acceptance. You have to accept that he is now a part of your friend's lives, while they must accept that you need their support during this difficult time.
This isn't about win or lose, it's about finding a suitable compromise for all parties. No competition, no trash talking, just working together to find a solution to the problem.
So be honest, sensitive, and reasonable in your dealings with everyone involved. If doing so brings no grace or understanding on their part, then it may be time for you to start looking for better friends.
Nice hearing from you again and good luck with the negotiations.
Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.
posted by Drew at
2:00 PM
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