Waiting For Nothing To Change

Hey Drew, love your films man.

Needed to ask someone outside the box a Question...
Figured that would be Mr. Lindo...

I am a 26 y/o male, who fell in love with a girl.
When we first met, she had a boyfriend. She said the relation was just over...the kind of way you just feel that the spark/magic is gone.
When I refused to do anything physical with her aka kissing/sexual because they were still together, she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me. We never had sex at all, it was never a big deal. We were just happy to be together.

Well 3 months into it she left for college. Only 3 hours away, but far enough.
When I went out to visit her the first time, 2 weeks after she left, she broke up with me, she said she was still in love with her X, and couldn't see me anymore.
The next day I went back to her dorm. I said no, that I wasn't done with us.
I couldn't just walk away feeling they way I did about her. She agreed, and we got back together. This same scenario has happened 5 times in the 3 months we were seeing each other. Weather she is visiting me, or I am visiting her. I treated this girl with the highest respect at all times. Never a foul word, we never had an argument, never had a bad time while together. She was always smiling, always happy, always telling me how in love with me she was. And I the same.

Turns out, her X was stalking us via Myspace, and always knew if we were hanging out. Via my posts, or pics my friends posted, then he would go to her and tell her he knew we were still seeing each other. She would immediately call/text/come to my place and break up again. Saying "I just can't loose my friendship with him... I can't see you anymore.
Yet 10/12 hours later, after she went back to college, after visiting for the weekend. She would call me/text/message me, that she still loves me, and will always come back to me. And no matter what she says, not to listen to her, never leave her, and never abandon her. Her friends call/text me saying she misses me, and can't wait to see me again.
Dude, I don't know what to do anymore. Ether this girl is insane, or her X is abusive. Or she is stringing me along, and lying in hopes I will end this so she can have a clear conscience.
NOV/DEC...She still calls,texts,writes,and comes to see me. Always saying she loves me, and we are going to be together one day. She once said it was because she could not separate her fear from his jealousy. I didn't ask, but that is what clued me in to the possibility of abuse from this guy.
But everyone that knows this guy says that he is a nice guy.
Dude I know this isn't really a question. But if I had to put it into one, instead of write it into a freaking screen play, I guess it would be this.
Am I stupid? Am I making this all up in my head to make myself fell better?
Am I just not seeing the big picture?
Or should I give up, and cut it off.. I still love her and always will...
Thx in advance for any advice man.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can possibly do is simply let go.

We often find ourselves in situations that we know are unhealthy and unfair. We wish the person we have such strong feelings for would just straighten up and fly right, so that the potential for happiness can finally become a reality.

But they don't. Many of them will continually disappoint, proving again and again that their own intrinsic weaknesses are keeping them from moving forward into a happy and healthy relationship.

You sound like a solid fellow. I'm sure you love and respect her, but wish she would do so equally. She's putting you in an unfair position by saying, "I can't be held responsible for my actions or decisions."

She's unbalanced. For reasons you certainly do not have time to discover from three hours away and miles of emotional distance.

What's making this separation hard for you, as well as anyone in your position, is that she keeps coming back for more. Another remark, another act of affection, continuing an unending cycle of pushing you away and then luring you back.

You deserve better than that.

It's easier to walk away from a fire-breathing dragon than a warm smile and a kind embrace. Of course she's going to say the things you need to hear, she's feeding your Messiah Complex extra servings of Wheaties, and it's working.

The truth is you can't save people who don't want to save themselves.

It's going to be her decision to let go of the past, to release the grip this controlling, jealous ex-boyfriend has over her.

Until she does that, she is frozen in a state of emotional retardation.

I know it's hard to walk away when they call your name, when they say sweet things and hint at a brighter future.

But these are just words. Her actions will remain consistent.

It hurts to let go. But I'm of the belief that it is better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you unhappy.

Free yourself and prepare for a brighter future. Don't settle for daddy issues and emotional immaturity.

Mark my words, a woman of substance blows a girl of confusion out of the water, every time.

Don't settle for what you know. Wait for what you deserve.

It's worth it.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Survivors Stick Together

Hello Drew, I stumbled across your blog by means of late night, bleary-eyed
surfing circles - that is, I don't quite recall how I found you, but you
seem to be someone that enjoys; or at least; takes the time to give advice
to people.

So here is my 'thing'. Thing being story/predicament/problem/concern and so
on...

Me and the BF have been together for over four happy years. We are the happy
'parents' of two kittens, and proud first-time home owners. Things are going
great, save for the sex. Ah yes sex, it always seems to come down to that?

My problem is that I am 'damaged goods' so to speak. I was assaulted by
someone I was dating when I was 19, and being way too naive to fully realize
the gravity of the situation, or the implications it would have, I went to
the police. What followed was a long and drawn out 'investigation', the
mass-exodus of a large number of "Friends" and a not-guilty verdict that
made me wonder why the hell I opened my mouth in the first place. It was
very traumatic, and I don't know which part of it was the most horrific -
the actual event or things that came to pass after the fact.

I've dealt with all of this, and mostly moved on, but for about a year and a
half, the sex in my current relationship has been failing. When we have it,
it is good, very good. But combined with some newly resurfaced personal
issues (I'm 24 now... So that entire 'episode' of my live was to say the
least, a lifetime ago) and some slight weight gain causing the collapse of a
good deal of self confidence, I can't 'get it up' in the female sense, to
put it bluntly.

I've started suspecting as well, that I may have been assaulted as a young
child. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but flashes here and there of
what may be a memory, or what may be me being melodramatic, and the idea of
sex creeps the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, I still get 'inklings'
from time to time, but I don't generally like to partake in them with my
boy, but rather see it as a dull physical act such as going to the bathroom
or brushing my teeth - mechanical. Something that has to be done or taken
care of or dealt with.

He's very good about it. I know he has not cheated, and has never even
thought of it. He deals with his own 'inklings' since he has to in my
libido-absence.The way he handles it makes me love him that much more - a
lesser person would have left or let things deteriorate between us. He
treats me well, holds me tight, tells me he loves me, but I know, I know it
bothers him. I want things to go back to our first two years in the
relationship, when sex was a fun and adventurous thing, not this.... Sleazy
icky guilty act that I seem to think it is now. That is, my image and idea
of sex has almost been corrupted to the point where I see it as a BAD thing,
a thing people should not do. Logically speaking, I know that this idea is
wrong, and that it is something that should be celebrated between two people
that love each other. I want to make sure he knows I find him sexy and
gorgeous and attractive. Because while I make a point to tell him, and he
knows of the issues I am dealing with, I also know without a doubt that itaffects his self confidence as well, on a minor 'is it me' level, whether it
is subconscious or not.

I'm not really sure what to do. I want to get over this, move on, and 'get
better' but I certainly don't know where to start. And I don't know how to
broach the topic of possible childhood abuse with him, or if I even should
since I don't know 1) if it really happened and 2) if it did, who it was. On
one hand, I think that he would like to hear what is going on in my head, on
the other hand.... I'm not sure. I can't seem to squeeze the words out of my
mouth, or roll them off my tongue, and I have tried.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?

I'm not sure if this is heavier than the issues you normally handle, but I
figured what the hey - I don't feel like our relationship is in danger, but
I want to actively save it before it gets there - does that make sense? I
don't know if it will even get to that point, but even if it doesn't, the
way things are now are not the way that they should be. We both know it.

TIA for any insight you might have to offer and pardon the ramblings... Dark
streets and silent nights being spent awake make me wordy almost to the
point of drunken-ness.

Keep up with me now, because this one has me a tad riled.

First off, please, please, please stop thinking of yourself as damaged goods. Referring to yourself as such is only feeding one of the terrible after effects of sexual assault; guilt and shame.

The attack was not your fault. Contacting the authorities was not an act of naivety, it was one of bravery.

How many victims stay silent? How many retreat into a shell built of the shame, fear, and guilt that such a senseless and violent act inexplicably instills?

It angers me that victims of sexual assault are made to feel powerless by their attackers, but it angers me even more when in the aftermath, our justice system, which we trust to protect and serve, fails miserably to punish the guilty and instead betrays the innocent.

For all of this, I am truly sorry for the pain and trauma that this attack inflicted, but as an objective source, I think you should know that I am incredibly proud of your decision to come forward and seek justice, regardless of the outcome.

I'm very glad to hear that you are involved in a healthy relationship with a partner that loves, respects and understands you. How many people's minds are scarred to the degree that they begin gravitating towards those who resemble their persecutors and abusers? These are the strange cycles that victims of sexual abuse often fall prisoner to, their sexual urges poisoned by a misguided view of their own sexual identities and desires.

It's why you hear countless stories of young women chasing abusive and emotionally unavailable men, later understanding that these are the same types that scarred them at a young age.

Why are we often attracted as adults to that which traumatizes us as children?

It's a strange psychological affliction.

To get to the bottom of it, you really need to seek counsel with a professional.

You've got to give yourself the time and patience required to fully heal from all you've been through in order to get yourself centered again and enjoying a positive, healthy sex life with your partner.

These flashes of obscured memories are certainly worth exploring with a psychologist. It is absolutely worth it.

You deserve a chance to work through your past with someone you can trust.

As for revealing what may or may not have happened to you as a child to your boyfriend, it sounds to me like this guy is rock solid. He's supported you in dealing with one painful element of your past, why wouldn't he be there for another?

Life isn't exactly a bowl of cherries for all of us. For many, it is a series of blistering challenges and difficult choices, setbacks that make us question whether we can muster the strength to go on.

But we do. We go on. We survive. We appreciate those we can trust even more when we understand the value of trust in a world where it is so often violated.

You can and will get through this. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you simply need to devote the time and effort into working through the artifacts of a painful past, while moving forward with a healthy future.

You've been armed with painful knowledge in this life. Do not let that knowledge restrict or weaken you, let it strengthen and empower you to survive, to protect yourself and those you love.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday you find yourself in a similar position to mine. Someone may reach out to you in a desperate moment of confusion and pain.

My guess is, you'll be better equipped to help them than some self-righteous blogger.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Journey Through The Wasteland

Dear Drew-

I am an African-American girl going to college right now, and I have not had any luck dating. In my experience, most Caucasian guys are not interested in dating African-American girls. This is very frustrating for me, and often makes for uncomfortable social situations. Do you have any advice?

- Take Me As I Am

Dear Take Me As I Am,

I've been blessed to have had various romantic encounters and/or experiences with women from many different ethnic backgrounds. I doubt I made it a point to pursue any of them strictly because of their ethnicity, but I certainly saw their nationality as an important and interesting detail of their identity.

Why?

Because it's who they are. Because it's something to be proud of.

I'm not here to gauge your personal supply of black pride, but I hope you know that whether or not the male populace on your particular campus can appreciate the myriad of traits that comprise you, the most important goal to have in your burgeoning romantic life is to embrace YOU.

Sometimes being unique means being lonely. I've often felt a profound sense of alienation in my years, descending into a defeatist view that a real, profound connection was impossible.

I felt stuck in a romantic wasteland. Hopeless.

Until I met a girl I didn't think existed.

Everything changed. Everything opened up and I finally found someone I could share everything with, enjoy every ounce of the day with. I realized there was a lot more to that wasteland than I'd seen.

It's not your job to decipher whether guys are secretly racist or secretly just not that into you (but you're human, so I'm guessing you'll try to figure out anyways.) Men and women will always find things about one another that turn them off, both external and internal.

So what this brings us back to is that timeless, enigmatic subject of self-love.

Do you love yourself for who you are?

If you really do, you won't settle for less than you deserve or desire. If someone doesn't see what you see, doesn't understand how much you have to offer, then you've no use for a pair of blind eyes.

It is my belief that the qualities a great woman possesses can transcend any racial, political, or ideological boundary line.

Finding a place to belong is tougher for some of us than others. When we find that place, or rather, when we find that person, we realize the journey was absolutely worth it.

Here's to your journey.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.