Thank You To A Stranger

Hi,

I don't know you, you don't know me, I just stumbled upon your advice
page on postlapsaria and navigated my way to your LJ. I've been having
serious doubts about my relationship with my live-in boyfriend and
have been having a miserable, lonely weekend (stupid holidays taking
all my friends away). Reading your writing, particularly your
reflections on valuing your own love lost, has been incredibly
cathartic and has inspired me to get journaling again. In any case,
this being Thanksgiving weekend, I thought I should pass along some
gratitude. Thanks for realizing (and affirming, for me) that there is
a space for constructive breakups, that they can hurt like hell, but
still be good for all involved. Thanks for reminding me that loving is
not confined to one person, that loving once means we can love again.
And, thanks for standing up for nerdy, awkward love, because it's
loveable.

I'm sure your words are a comfort to more people than you know

- KK



Lady, you just proved Karma exists in one, fell swoop.

I'll explain in the form of a story.

Earlier this week, I was walking out of the parking garage at work. As I was nearing the exit, I saw a young, attractive, african-american security guard driving up the ramp.

She was in tears.

I saw her drive right past me, red faced with a lip quivering as it will when your body sometimes violently begins to shake.

I could tell it was one of those strong, physical reactions to emotional suffering. I felt really bad for this woman who drove past my reality at 17 miles per hour.

To be honest, the thought left my mind as I went back to the office.

But at the end of the night, as I walked back to my car, I saw her there, sitting inside the glass security booth.

As her partner got up and left the booth for a moment, I felt like it was the least embarrassing moment to interact.

"Excuse me," I said. She looked up at me with tired eyes. "I was walking out of the garage today, and I think I saw you driving in. I thought I saw you crying. Was that you?"

She nodded. Her eyes started to get a little glassy. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but it was too late.

"Should I ask what's wrong?" I said. I was much less sure of myself in this interaction than I am with a week old email from a stranger.

"Relationship issues." She said. "A breakup," she added.

I could tell it stung for her to say it. She tried to hold it together while I tried to find words. I wasn't exactly in rare form. I didn't know her name, or her situation, all I knew was she was in pain, and that didn't give me a lot to say aside from "I'm sorry."

I through out whatever terms of encouragement I could find, but I wasn't even sold on my own words. I think I ended on "You're going to be okay, I know it."

She nodded. "Thank you," was all she got out before another tear ran down her face.

I walked to my car, disappointed in myself for failing to deliver something that felt real, or honest, or effective. How can the guy who people say is so helpful over the goddamn internet be so clueless and speechless in real life?

As I drove out of the garage, I decided to give it a last ditch effort. I parked outside and opened my bag.

I took out a notebook and a pen, and I started to write.

I wrote the truth. That I didn't know her, her situation, even her name, but my heart went out to her. That these things take time, but we always come out stronger, wiser, better for having gone through it.

That she'll love again, find happiness again, and in the meantime it was important to talk to those who know how to listen.

I told her that I've been in her shoes, stuck suffering silently at work while everyone else goes about their business. That I've felt sick with heartache and wondered how I could ever feel whole again.

But I am whole. I am healthy, capable of happiness, joy, all of the feelings I knew when I was a part of another human being. They all come back in various forms.

And as a devastating breakup survivor, I gave my official opinion: it's just another step in the journey of the human heart. Another test to make sure it's all working, it's all operational.

I think I was a little more eloquent than that. Maybe a little less grandiose as well. I think the handwriting added on the charm and cut back on the cheese.

I walked back to the booth and slid the note under the window to her, then waved goodbye. I didn't sign it, didn't leave a number or a name.

Just the good wishes of a fellow human being.

I recounted the story to only two people that night, and one of them assured me that that act would come back to me somehow.

I'd like to think that this very email counts.

I'm not a perfect person. I can be stubborn and mean-spirited from time to time, bitter and resentful if wounded.

But kindness like this is what I hope resides in all of us, and an avenue like this column gives me the opportunity to exercise it from time to time.

And to feel it come back in my direction.

Thanks to everyone who reads, writes, and generally gives me hope in the human race.

And to folks like KK who take the time to let me know I'm being heard in an effective and inspiring manner.

Here's hoping the voice grows with the audience...

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Now or Never

Dear Drew,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we're
having doubts about whether we should stay together.
We dated briefly for a year and a half (long distance)
when I was 19 but it ended badly and we only decided
to give it a second chance when we were both 21 after
agreeing to be more mature and to value each other the
way we both deserved.

Since then, things have been going pretty well - we
live in the same city, my boyfriend is supportive,
affectionate, and caring, I get along with his family,
and through the course of our relationship, we've even
become best friends. However, now that we're 23, we're
starting to mature even more as individuals and we're
starting to grow into different people with different
interests. For example, I love to dance but his body
issues prevent him from even wanting to slow dance
with me at social functions. For him, he would like to
move to Latin America after falling in love with a
particular country, but since I would never be able to
live in that hot of a climate, he agreed to only live
there for 6 months and then come back. Eventually,
through an open discussion, I expressed that sometimes
I get bored with the same relationship routine,
whereas he expressed that he would like more space and
to have us both be more independent in the
relationship so that it could be healthier and less
boring for me (since I would have more outside
interests.) At the time, we also decided not to break
up because it seemed like the easy way out, but now
that I've had more time to think about it, I'm not as
sure.

My question is, do we stick together in this
relationship/best friendship and try to grow and work
through our differences, or do we acknowledge that we
are growing in different directions and out of respect
as best friends and lovers, end the relationship now
so that we can pursue our personal growth to our
fullest potentials without resentment and negative
feelings?

I understand that love and relationships are often
about compromise, but when do you know what to
compromise on when it comes to being in a serious
relationship and being ambitious about your dreams?
Are these two things inherently incompatible when you
are young and in your early twenties?

- Wanting the best for everyone

Dear Wanting The Best For Everyone,

You've reached a place of maturity and understanding that many couples do not. You don't hate each others guts, you don't grind on each others nerves 24/7, or force one another to complain to your friends at length about each other's pet peeves.

Instead, you've realized what each of you needs that you aren't getting in this relationship.

It seems you both are aware of what the next step is, but are both afraid of taking it. You should be. No break is clean, no separation is painless, no matter how even a keel things start out. It will be difficult.

Yet you're already aware of the fact that, at 23, you don't need to be settling for a future with someone comfortable when you may want something more. You both have started growing into adults, and now is the time to identify what you want in your adult lives, and to seek out those traits, qualities, and freedoms.

If you're meant for one another, you'll both find your way back, but as I'm sure you both know deep down, now is not the time for excluding possibilities.

Personally I'm of the mind that people do not change the core of who they are, which is why I've never been an on-again/off-again kind of guy in relationships. The problems that lead to one breakup usually reappear when a couple gets back together.

I also hate going through the same breakup twice.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; youth is not a time for giving up on your dreams. Youth is about allowing yourself the room and the respect to explore, understand and pursue what you want in your life. We have to be thankful for the ones who come into our lives for a brief time and make us happy, before we're torn apart and left with a clearer vision of what we want next time love gives us a shot.

Life should not be experienced in a state of fear. Life is an adventure.

Enjoy every single second of it.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

One Fifth The Perfect Girl

Hey drew whats to when you have 5 girlfriends that are attracted to you but you really don't want to be
the bad guy.And when i mean bad guy i mean like seeing and messing around with each one.I mean its a tuff call
because they're all cutee pies but man i don't want to be known as a player.Back in High School it was like whatever
but now i look at it as been there done that!I'm a stand up guy and thats what I'm known for being.Whats your 2 cents on this Drew?

- The Great Gambino

Dear Great Gambino,

I'm confused on this one. You have five girlfriends? But you don't want to be the bad guy?

If this were an action movie, you'd be the guy at the end holding the explosive trigger on the roof of a building, with some cop trying to talk you down while you shout, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

You ARE the bad guy. Already. Too late.

Unless of course you failed to explicitly state that you have 5 platonic female friends who are into you. Then that's a different story.

If that is indeed the story, if five of your cute, platonic female friends want to blast off into romance-mode, then you, my friend, are the one glimmer of statistical hope that makes those poor bastards in The Friend Zone dream a little dream.

But if this is a case of the 1 man for every 5 attractive females, then I can't help you choose which one is right for you. I can only advise that you attempt to keep them in your life as friends if you're not sure where your emotions lie, and, if one day your friendships strengthen and attractions solidify, the rest will work itself out.

But back to your vague and confusing email, you asked and answered your own question. You basically wrote and asked; "Drew, is it wrong to do the wrong thing?"

Yeah. It's wrong to do the wrong thing, chief. Ten points to you.

If we need to discuss what the wrong thing is, then I'll be happy to specify.

Messing around with several girls while not being entirely honest about your intentions, or giving any thought to their own feelings, is probably not the right thing to do. If you've got a brain and a heart enough to keep your conscience running, then you can probably tell when you're exploiting someone's affections for a selfish gain.

If all five of these girls understood you weren't that into them, that it was just casual, and that the others existed, yet still wanted to get together with you, then you'd be in better standing from a moral perspective. You'd give them the option to be consenting adults who allow themselves to take and share a sliver of happiness instead of the whole pie.

But most girls don't want to be a fraction or a statistic, they want to be the only girl you want. The only one you need.

Play on, playa. Just don't play with knives.

Or the fragile hearts of naive girls. Bad taste, chap.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.