Love. Staring You In The Face.

dear drew,
this is probably a very common question/situation but i need advice.
i have a very close friend that i care deeply for. him and i have never
hooked up in any way, shape or form although people always ask if we are
dating. we've never talked about it seriously and there isnt sexual tension
between us... or at least i dont think there is. well, about a month ago, my
friend called me at 4am needing a ride to his place. i pick him up, take him
home and leave. while on my way home, my phone rings and its my friend. he
says many things including, "you're the only one for me" , "ive always felt
this way about you" and "why do you think i started talking to you the first
night we met... i didnt think i was going to get a best friend out of you."
i didnt react at all... good or bad.
the next day, he was avoiding me... and then the two days following. (we
talk every day.) i didnt understand what was going on so i forced him to
talk to me for the sake of our friendship. his only response was, "i always
mean what i say but i dont want to screw things up." i dont get it. he talks
to me about girls all the time, tells me im all he has and that he never has
anything good come his way... but he almost ruined our friendship over
something he didnt care enough about to ride through.
things are getting better now, but i still feel weird not knowing whats
going on with him.
any clue?

-A


Dear A,

From the beginning of time, children have been raised on stories, fables, and morality/fairy tales. These heightened senses of reality are imbued with important lessons and thematic undertones, all meant to engage children's imaginations, emotions, and generally, keep them out of trouble in the near future.

The problem is, kids grow up, and in that growing process, we stop getting fables and morality tales to keep us on the straight and narrow, or warn us of impending danger or ominous paths of hubris.

Instead, the youth are blessed with tales of young breakdancers getting served, stomping the yard, riding motorcycles with Wild Hogs, and becoming spoiled, drug-addicted primadonnas who crash their Mercedes' under the influence.

But a new dawn will one day rise. People will cry out for stories and tales that warn of dangers, both physical and emotional, that others have not prepared them for in the past.

And the first such story will be called "Adventures In The Friend Zone."

An instant classic, this dark and foreboding tale will take young adults through the infinitely confusing maze of physical attraction/physical disinterest, platonic settling/romantic yearning, declarations of adoration/emotional retreats, and of course, fear of loss/desire for intimacy.

Because, my dear A, your situation is a tale as old as time. This predicament usually does not work out because the necessary ingredients for romance are missing from the start, thus the friendship is formed instead of a first date. Having been asked this question hundreds of times in general, having been in this situation personally in my high school days, having seen so many people go down this road before, I can tell you that the majority of my advice has leaned toward the negative; "Don't say a word, it's not going to happen, you're bound to risk everything by bringing the subtext into the light."

But here's the ironic truth: things change. Friends grow closer. Bonds tighten. Soon, feelings freefall from platonic intimacy to romantic love. You just never know.

It sounds like your friend is crazy for you, and like most in his situation, terrified of wrecking the friendship with an awkward bomb of truth that could leave both of your shadows on the wall.

You stated earlier, "he almost ruined our friendship over
something he didnt care enough about to ride through."

What do you mean by that? Do you wish he did? Do you wish he didn't retreat, didn't lose faith that maybe you felt the same way? Or is all of this just too much, too complicated, too unnatural for you to jump aboard?

If it's the former, if you think you feel something too, you should pursue it. Encourage him. Let him know it's all right to throw in and go for broke. Yes, you risk a friendship, yes, it might not work out, but some things are worth a gamble. Most experiences aren't worth regretting, they're worth knowing and learning from.

And if not, well, try your best to cover up the fact that he ever spoke the words at all.

Regardless, after you've really dealt with this situation, you'll be able to educate others with your own personal story in "Adventures In The Friend Zone."

Everyone gets a chapter.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

We Did It For The Money

Dear Drew,

I'm not even sure if you are still doing the blog - but I need advice since no one seems to be helping. Here it is - I am a 20 years old girl, living with my boyfriend soon to be fiancé and we have been together for more than a year. We live in Canada. I am Canadian, he is American. He has moved to be with me while I finish my studies as a photographer (1 1/2 year to go) but has been unable to find work since he cannot get a working visa and we are planning on moving to South California after my school. I am working full time a crappy job that doesn't pay well and go to school at night, full time. Our plan was for us to live in Canada until I was done school, then try and be either engaged or married by the time we move to the US and have my diploma so it is easier for me to find a job and get a visa. Recently, we have had huge money problems, so much that we cannot afford very basic needs in life. I have also been having health problems that have led me to a mild depression. All that has made us very unhappy, knowing that we would not have those problems if we didn't live here. I feel like I am holding us back here with my school and making us become unhappy, and even if we have the best couple, I am scared to slowly create big problems in our relationship that could lead us to go separate ways. We have both always lived a good life before, and been pretty wealthy, nice clothes, you know what I mean...but now it's debt after debt and the end of the month....is just bad. My dilemma here is that I am wondering if we should pack up our stuff, sell everything we own and move now. I thought it was very important to take our time and do all the steps to make the move work - marry, take care of my health problem while I am in a province where health care is free, do all the paperwork for my visa, slowly get ready and move, but now I don't know anymore. We are getting poor more and more, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend could work and make money for both of us in California. This would be the second time I would stop a diploma halfway, and it would really bother me to do so. I was planning to move to Cali to work as an assistant until I can invest in myself, but I am also scared that without a diploma the internships or assistant positions will not be easy to find, or I won't have enough experience for them. Photography is a crazy world and I am scared that if I do not take my time to get ready and work in California and try and network before I am, I will screw up my career. Another thing that is holding me back is that my parents invested a bit of money in my school (bought me a brand new camera), so I sort of feel that I have committed to them. They are also aware of my depression problems and will not probably not approve my move so soon (although I am pretty sure that the world I live in has created the way I feel towards my life). I have also taken the job I have for a period of two years, as they know that I am moving in a year 1/2, but they have been so good to me I'd feel really bad if I left early. So move or no move? I feel like I am staying here for everyone else but myself...but I also feel like I owe them something....It's so hard to live my life knowing that I would be - or maybe dreaming to be happy elsewhere. Please I need some advice...thank you soooo much.

-the girl who's dreaming of something else...


Dear Girl Who's Dreaming of Something Else,

This is a tough predicament, as its not about the right choice or the wrong choice, simply whichever option is best for you. Though I can't give you a fully accurate answer on that one without knowing even more about the situation, I will do my best.

Money problems are a significant issue in a lot of adult relationships, and they can often lead to the breakdown of a healthy bond between lovers. People face enough stress in their personal differences, but when external forces such as economic woes invade, friend can turn against friend, and an entire way of life that was once happy & healthy can rot at an inexplicable rate.

If I understand you correctly, you have a set of issues right now that require you to stay in Canada; financial, health, and educational. For you to be able to move forward in your relationship, these issues need to be adressed and confronted immediately. If by moving to California, you lose the ability to make progress and conquer these obstacles, you may soon find yourself in an even rougher position: resenting your boyfriend for setting you back even further.

However, you've also made a case for a better life in California. If your boyfriend could support both of you with the job he apparently has locked down out west, could he afford to handle your medical bills? Furthermore, do you believe that a photography degree will get you work as a photographer? It seems that what gets a photographer work is having the combination of the right tools, the right contacts, and a wealth of talent. I'm sure you could find plenty of actors looking for quality headshots out west.

The point is, what exactly is holding you back from leaving? Fear or wisdom? If you truly believe that moving will set you back, perhaps you should stay put and fight it out before leaving, as many people will tell you that you can't always outrun your problems. If you know that a better life awaits you, there's nothing wrong with busting a U-Turn and heading in the opposite direction.

I think your biggest fear is that of a separation. What would happen if, for the time being, he left and you stayed? Are you two strong enough to wait for the other? Take it from me, a year passes by very quickly if you're staying busy.

Now I know that love doesn't show its face everyday, but you need to remember one other important facet of your situation: you're 20 years old. You're not in your thirties, facing forclosure on the family farm, standing at a bus stop with your husband and kids. You've a lot more freedom than you realize. You may have to give up some luxuries and pleasantries you currently have to stay afloat, but the point is, don't upset your own future for a relationship so early in life. I'm not saying this guy doesn't matter, just that you need to keep your life goals in sharp focus right now. Do you want a degree in photography, do you want to continue to learn more about your craft, or are you ready to have a go at it in the real world?

If moving to California immediately is going to jeopardize your future and your development as a future, then don't do it. But if staying is just an act of fear, I wouldn't recommend that either. Though long distance relationships are not my cup of tea, I have seen them work, but regardless, you don't know what the future holds, the lives we connect with may travel far and wide, but often times a reconnection is inevitable.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't put the horse before the cart. I'm glad you're in love and you want to get married, but trying to become a bride before 21 isn't exactly a desperate necessity. Personally, I'd be more concerned with organizing my personal future than locking down a romantic one.

Don't make this decision for him, make it for yourself. You're too young to put your future in the laurels of another, so do what's best for you from the majority of angles, and give yourself a chance to get healthy and strong, no matter what country provides that chance.

Get well soon. Tough times are still ahead, but I promise you, you will make it through them, you will grow stronger, and you will find what you're looking for.

Youth should be about possibilities, not limitations.

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

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