More than your mistakes...

Dear Drew,

This is something that's not easy for me to talk about, but holding it inside has only made me crazy so I'll just get right to it: I cheated on my now soon to be ex-husband with my co-worker. Really the whole thing is blur because when I started working with this guy (I'll call him Brian) I really couldn't stand him. Brian is young (he's 19 and I'm 22), obnoxious, asks stupid random questions and isn't even very good looking. At first I avoided him like the plague, dreaded the days when I had to work near him and prayed his horrible work skills would just get him fired. After a while though, and for reasons I will never understand, Brian's presence became less and less horrific and our conversations actually became interesting and funny. My best guess is that his innocence and fascination for a crazier lifestyle sparked intrigue within me, because I am so used to being around people who have "done it all" that maybe I looked at this wholesome kid as someone I could to corrupt. Everyday Brian exhibited a flirtatious behavior that at first confused me, but soon became so intense just his mere presence drove me into a sexual frenzy. I had to remind myself constantly that I was married and nothing could ever happen between us, yet all I thought about was "if only I wasn't married..." Finally after agreeing to hang out with him to watch movies, and a few drinks later, the inevitable happened: I slept with him. He confessed to liking me, wanting to be with me, wishing I wasn't married, and hoping to have a relationship. I couldn't believe what I was doing, to my husband, our marriage... The next day I explained to Brian that I had a lot of thinking to do, that obviously my husband and I didn't have a perfect relationship, or else why would I do something so terrible. I tried to reassure him that I didn't regret what happened between us, but that for a while I just wanted to remain friends until I figured out what I should do. His response was quick, and somewhat shocking considering everything he told me the night before, that he completely agreed with my decision and felt that a friendship was best; he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone and felt like he was breaking up a marriage which made the whole thing a little unappealing. Despite having told him I just wanted to be friends, I was genuinely hurt by his sudden disinterest in me. And that's when it hit me: maybe at one point Brian really did like me and wanted to be with me, but in the end this whole thing was about him conquering a married woman. I had control and threw everything out when I made the decision to sleep with him. It was too late though, because my feelings just grew stronger the more he resisted me. We slept together a few more times after that first night before I finally sat my husband down and told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't tell him about Brian, just that I felt we had married too young and my feelings for him changed over time. I was relieved when he confessed to feeling the same way. He moved out two weeks later, and I was ecstatic because I hoped that Brian would see this as an opportunity for us to be together. I was wrong. Every once in a while he'll hint to wanting to hang out and go do something, but then he says he's too busy and can't make it. I feel like my life has been flipped completely upside down and this is my punishment for what I did... I know Brian no longer has feelings for me, if he ever did, so I'm not going to sit here and ask you how to win him over. I work with him, I see him everyday, and it's hard to look at him without wanting to be with him. But I'm not willing to give up my job. I love my job, there's nothing else out there like it, so quitting is really not an option. What I'd like to know is, how can I continue to work with him and stop all these feelings I have? Is it possible to get over someone you see constantly? I mean, maybe if he was an asshole and was direct about not liking me anymore I'd have an easier time moving on, but he's always super nice and still mildly flirtatious at times. It's obviously a game to keep me interested, and yeah it works! I just don't want to play his game anymore and can't seem to find a way out... please, any advice would help!!!

-Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

First things first: you have to forgive yourself.

"Forgiveness" gets thrown around a lot, it's implications often misunderstood. To me, forgiveness is not as simple as wiping the slate clean, forgetting the past, and moving on like nothing ever happened.

In short, forgiveness is not a quick-fix.

Forgiveness is about responsibility. It's about recognizing the mistakes you've made, understanding what effects those mistakes had on you and those you cared about, and moving on in life with the knowledge of what you've done so that you know not to take that path again.

Yes, you made a mistake. But you're not damned. You're flawed and human like the rest of us. You can regret the affair, but you cannot let it define who you are. You have to arm yourself with that painful knowledge and use it to make stronger choices in the years ahead.

With that said, let's focus on "Brian" for a moment.

What was it that drew you to him in the first place? It wasn't his good looks or irresistable personality. It sounds more like it was a power issue, a chance for you to exercise your charms, your sexual experience, and most importantly, bathe in the attention of a lesser experienced person who would make you feel...what? Alive? Young? Desired? Free?

Yet when he turns his attention away, your feelings develop and increase. Now you crave that sensation. You need to be wanted and desired.

In short, you just want to get high.

This is all understandable. These are feelings we all chase, but it reads to me like you're chasing those feelings up the wrong tree. You're after a sensation that may or may not reside in this guy's direction, but this isn't even the right guy for you.

This is simply a situation of chemistry/attraction and a psychological need for stimulation and attention.

You've become chemically dependant on this guy's attention.

I find that whenever I'm down, whenever I'm lamenting that I can't have something I want, a fantastic remedy is to start setting goals for myself, and taking aim with extreme prejudice.

How do you feel about you? Is there anything you want to improve? Change? Address?

Use the feelings you have for this guy as fuel to push yourself forward into a healthier and happier lifestyle. Sure, it's a petty motivation, but you've got to start somewhere. When it comes to just hooking up, "Brian" might have fit the bill, but if it's a relationship you want, you need to find someone who grabs you from the get-go, who satisfies your criteria instead of being there and available in a time of increasing stress and unhappiness.

For whatever reason, your marriage wasn't working. Did you really get a divorce over some guy you work with? Probably not. This guy was a catalyst, helping set events in motion for a complete upheaval and reboot of your former lifestyle.

You wanted freedom? You got it. It has a price, but it has it's privileges. Why waste them on a coworker who's nothing more than a fix? A fleeting chemical high?

You need a long-lasting sensation. A sense of pride and confidence in yourself, and an outlook of possibilities, chances for a life that is of your own design.

Dwelling on a former fling isn't pushing you forward, it's holding you back.

In the meantime, all I can say is that flirting is often a shared experience, a back and forth that perpetuates chemistry. If you want to keep your job and get over him at the same time, I suggest you start cutting this guy off of any and all emotionally satisfactory interactions. Don't give him a smile, don't laugh at his bad jokes, and don't make plans. This is not to say you should be nasty. You should instead be completely aloof and emotionally unavailable. After some time, your emotions will follow suit.

In the future, remember to allow yourself to recognize the difference between the infatuation of a feeling, and an actual connection with a person you truly admire.

They lead down very different roads.

You are not your mistakes. You are are more than a divorcee. You have the power to change, to evolve, to be happy and healthy and complete.

You are the choices you make tomorrow and the day after that. Forgive yourself and move on. The scars of the past are the guides for your future. Make the right decisions from here on out.

Good luck with your new life. Make it great.

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Click here to email Drew Lindo!

Red Means Stop. Youth Means Never Stop Moving.

Dear Drew,

I don't know where to start, so I'm going make this as concise as possible while still giving you the information you need, I do feel like a little back story is necessary ( sorry if it bores you). I sort of grew up as a child all over America with homebases in Portland and San Francisco. My mom decided to homeschool me and my slightly younger brother, not because she though our public educations were lacking, but because she was a artist, and bored as hell and needed to be on the road. It worked out well- me and my brother know more strange historical facts than any of our peers, and my dad would come visit us on the road for a week at a time, whatever hotel we were at ( he had a traveling job) and they are still happily married today. This upbringing however, is what is fueling my sickness and causing me to have conflict today.
When I was about 15 we stopped traveling and moved for good to Dana Point,Ca just a mile south of Laguna Beach. We ended up staying there through highschool, the longest I've ever stayed anywhere. Through highschool I pursued acting and directing at an academy for young young actors. Through college I lived in San Francisco, Hollywood, and San Diego, but finished a B.A. in Cinema by the time I was 22. By the time I was done, I was sure I wanted to act and direct and had already been in some major films, as well as made some shorts myself. I should have stayed in Hollywood and pursued my dream, but instead moved to Florida to work at magazine writing as well as be a therapist for young girls who are orphans. ( Hey, it sounded like a fun change, and I love the south.)
I stayed in Winter park writing and editing for about a year, and then picked up and moved everywhere. Literally. I started an online vintage store that I can take with me wherever I go, and always pays my large college loans,new car,rent etc- so it works. I also write freelance for a number of magazines, that helps too. I absolutely love living in different towns for a few months and getting to know the people. These new experiences also keep me inspired, and I've never been so productive in writing my novel as I have been now.
Here's the problem. I have recently gotten the opportunity to move back to southern California -actually several opportunites all just last week. Stuff I wasn't even pursuing myself. An amazing director/ photographer I used to work for has a project in modeling that pays excellently that he wants me to do. I have experience with these accounts, because I used to model in print ads for them when I was 19 for him. So it would be pretty easy work, and I have the opportunity to work on a great film with him this fall. Also, I have been accepted into a master program in literature, which I would love to pursue and maybe someday be a professor. Another weird thing that happened last week, I found out some of my bestfriends from Florida are moving to Long Beach and want me to help them open up a bar/ coffee house that resembles one of our favorites in Winterpark.
This is a lot of information, and I promise this letter is almost at it's close. These opportunites back home in LA seem like a open door, especially since they all made themselves known to me last week. I almost feel foolish for considering not going. The truth is, I love traveling and moving. I love meeting knew people. I think my writing and creativity has never been better. The thought of getting a lease in LA and staying there for as few years is really scary to me. I'm afraid I'm giving up and saying goodbye to this time in my life before I'm ready. When will I ever have the chance to do this again? What if I get married to someone who won't ever want to leave? I'm 25, so maybe I am being childish and too non-committal and I need to fix something about myself. I'm not sure. I definitely have to be a writer. Writing is what I care most about, but at the same time - these opportunites are things I have always wanted to do, and I don't want to pass them by. Is it possible to always have a life of travel like this, even when i'm old?
Drew, I know you can't give me the answer, but I need some advice, seriously. If I were to talk to my friends and family, they would say I need to be in California. They have a bias of missing me, and not understanding the gloriousness of being on the road, and they think I need to get a 9-5 job ( which I have had so many times, and I make more now and am way less miserable.)
Can you help me? Thanks for listening.

The girl with Peterpan-itis or Jack Kerouac-itis.


Dear girl with Peterpan-itis or Jack Kerouac-itis,

This question was a bit of a stumper for me, as it forced me to confront various conflicting traits & motivations within myself.

Personally, I love moving on, moving forward, away from the past and toward the uncertain future. I've moved around the United States my whole life, and I know I"ll relocate again someday.

Now, I usually associate moving with opportunity. The opportunity for a fresh new start, unstained memories and the chance to carve out a life for myself free of past experiences & troubles.

So, with all of that said, you would think my answer would be as simple as "get the fucking move-on to California," and this little column would come to an awkward close.

But, being a writer myself, I understand the invaluable nature of inspiration. It doesn't come easy, but inspiration is almost always initiated by change, and what could be better fodder for a writer than a constant change of scenerey, a life on the road?

So, I ask that we do like preschoolers do and come to what grownups call a "compromise."

If you have the opportunity to model, get a degree in literature, and open a bar with some friends, I think you should take it, if only for the inevitable sitcom deal you'll get when you option your life story to McG.

But, and this is a big but, you can only take this opportunity under one condition: despite all of these incredible new activities, jobs, roles, & challenges, you have to guarantee yourself time & space to WRITE.

Seriously. If making the trek to SoCal means your writing time is leaving your schedule to spend more time with it's family, then I'd say you're making a grave mistake.

You say you're a writer. Writers write. They don't just talk about writing, they don't lament about not having time to write anymore, and they sure as hell don't constantly blabber at bars and streetcorners about what great ideas they have, if only they had time/talent to sit down and put them all to paper.

If so, every single motherfucker in Los Angeles is a writer.

So there's the rub. You can't let your life become too busy to override who you are. It's just like professionals who make career decisions that might hamper success, in order to have a personal/family life. They put something first, and no matter what, that goal always receives preferential treatment.

So, if you want to indulge yourself in all the cake you can eat, make the move and bring the typewriter.

If you're worried about losing inspiration, don't. Find ways & times to make writing an adventure. Have friends scattered all over the place? Go for writing visits. There is so much beauty in California, and it's surrounding areas, to experience during all-day trips across open roads with the window down and the perfect, moment-encapsulating soundtrack blasting from your stereo.

I assure you, between modeling, earning a literary degree, and working & playing with friends or family, you will have plenty of new people & experiences to write about.

Just remember to change the names to protect the innocent.

---

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

Click here to email Drew Lindo!