Survivors Stick Together

Hello Drew, I stumbled across your blog by means of late night, bleary-eyed
surfing circles - that is, I don't quite recall how I found you, but you
seem to be someone that enjoys; or at least; takes the time to give advice
to people.

So here is my 'thing'. Thing being story/predicament/problem/concern and so
on...

Me and the BF have been together for over four happy years. We are the happy
'parents' of two kittens, and proud first-time home owners. Things are going
great, save for the sex. Ah yes sex, it always seems to come down to that?

My problem is that I am 'damaged goods' so to speak. I was assaulted by
someone I was dating when I was 19, and being way too naive to fully realize
the gravity of the situation, or the implications it would have, I went to
the police. What followed was a long and drawn out 'investigation', the
mass-exodus of a large number of "Friends" and a not-guilty verdict that
made me wonder why the hell I opened my mouth in the first place. It was
very traumatic, and I don't know which part of it was the most horrific -
the actual event or things that came to pass after the fact.

I've dealt with all of this, and mostly moved on, but for about a year and a
half, the sex in my current relationship has been failing. When we have it,
it is good, very good. But combined with some newly resurfaced personal
issues (I'm 24 now... So that entire 'episode' of my live was to say the
least, a lifetime ago) and some slight weight gain causing the collapse of a
good deal of self confidence, I can't 'get it up' in the female sense, to
put it bluntly.

I've started suspecting as well, that I may have been assaulted as a young
child. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but flashes here and there of
what may be a memory, or what may be me being melodramatic, and the idea of
sex creeps the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, I still get 'inklings'
from time to time, but I don't generally like to partake in them with my
boy, but rather see it as a dull physical act such as going to the bathroom
or brushing my teeth - mechanical. Something that has to be done or taken
care of or dealt with.

He's very good about it. I know he has not cheated, and has never even
thought of it. He deals with his own 'inklings' since he has to in my
libido-absence.The way he handles it makes me love him that much more - a
lesser person would have left or let things deteriorate between us. He
treats me well, holds me tight, tells me he loves me, but I know, I know it
bothers him. I want things to go back to our first two years in the
relationship, when sex was a fun and adventurous thing, not this.... Sleazy
icky guilty act that I seem to think it is now. That is, my image and idea
of sex has almost been corrupted to the point where I see it as a BAD thing,
a thing people should not do. Logically speaking, I know that this idea is
wrong, and that it is something that should be celebrated between two people
that love each other. I want to make sure he knows I find him sexy and
gorgeous and attractive. Because while I make a point to tell him, and he
knows of the issues I am dealing with, I also know without a doubt that itaffects his self confidence as well, on a minor 'is it me' level, whether it
is subconscious or not.

I'm not really sure what to do. I want to get over this, move on, and 'get
better' but I certainly don't know where to start. And I don't know how to
broach the topic of possible childhood abuse with him, or if I even should
since I don't know 1) if it really happened and 2) if it did, who it was. On
one hand, I think that he would like to hear what is going on in my head, on
the other hand.... I'm not sure. I can't seem to squeeze the words out of my
mouth, or roll them off my tongue, and I have tried.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?

I'm not sure if this is heavier than the issues you normally handle, but I
figured what the hey - I don't feel like our relationship is in danger, but
I want to actively save it before it gets there - does that make sense? I
don't know if it will even get to that point, but even if it doesn't, the
way things are now are not the way that they should be. We both know it.

TIA for any insight you might have to offer and pardon the ramblings... Dark
streets and silent nights being spent awake make me wordy almost to the
point of drunken-ness.

Keep up with me now, because this one has me a tad riled.

First off, please, please, please stop thinking of yourself as damaged goods. Referring to yourself as such is only feeding one of the terrible after effects of sexual assault; guilt and shame.

The attack was not your fault. Contacting the authorities was not an act of naivety, it was one of bravery.

How many victims stay silent? How many retreat into a shell built of the shame, fear, and guilt that such a senseless and violent act inexplicably instills?

It angers me that victims of sexual assault are made to feel powerless by their attackers, but it angers me even more when in the aftermath, our justice system, which we trust to protect and serve, fails miserably to punish the guilty and instead betrays the innocent.

For all of this, I am truly sorry for the pain and trauma that this attack inflicted, but as an objective source, I think you should know that I am incredibly proud of your decision to come forward and seek justice, regardless of the outcome.

I'm very glad to hear that you are involved in a healthy relationship with a partner that loves, respects and understands you. How many people's minds are scarred to the degree that they begin gravitating towards those who resemble their persecutors and abusers? These are the strange cycles that victims of sexual abuse often fall prisoner to, their sexual urges poisoned by a misguided view of their own sexual identities and desires.

It's why you hear countless stories of young women chasing abusive and emotionally unavailable men, later understanding that these are the same types that scarred them at a young age.

Why are we often attracted as adults to that which traumatizes us as children?

It's a strange psychological affliction.

To get to the bottom of it, you really need to seek counsel with a professional.

You've got to give yourself the time and patience required to fully heal from all you've been through in order to get yourself centered again and enjoying a positive, healthy sex life with your partner.

These flashes of obscured memories are certainly worth exploring with a psychologist. It is absolutely worth it.

You deserve a chance to work through your past with someone you can trust.

As for revealing what may or may not have happened to you as a child to your boyfriend, it sounds to me like this guy is rock solid. He's supported you in dealing with one painful element of your past, why wouldn't he be there for another?

Life isn't exactly a bowl of cherries for all of us. For many, it is a series of blistering challenges and difficult choices, setbacks that make us question whether we can muster the strength to go on.

But we do. We go on. We survive. We appreciate those we can trust even more when we understand the value of trust in a world where it is so often violated.

You can and will get through this. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you simply need to devote the time and effort into working through the artifacts of a painful past, while moving forward with a healthy future.

You've been armed with painful knowledge in this life. Do not let that knowledge restrict or weaken you, let it strengthen and empower you to survive, to protect yourself and those you love.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday you find yourself in a similar position to mine. Someone may reach out to you in a desperate moment of confusion and pain.

My guess is, you'll be better equipped to help them than some self-righteous blogger.

Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.