We Did It For The Money

Dear Drew,

I'm not even sure if you are still doing the blog - but I need advice since no one seems to be helping. Here it is - I am a 20 years old girl, living with my boyfriend soon to be fiancé and we have been together for more than a year. We live in Canada. I am Canadian, he is American. He has moved to be with me while I finish my studies as a photographer (1 1/2 year to go) but has been unable to find work since he cannot get a working visa and we are planning on moving to South California after my school. I am working full time a crappy job that doesn't pay well and go to school at night, full time. Our plan was for us to live in Canada until I was done school, then try and be either engaged or married by the time we move to the US and have my diploma so it is easier for me to find a job and get a visa. Recently, we have had huge money problems, so much that we cannot afford very basic needs in life. I have also been having health problems that have led me to a mild depression. All that has made us very unhappy, knowing that we would not have those problems if we didn't live here. I feel like I am holding us back here with my school and making us become unhappy, and even if we have the best couple, I am scared to slowly create big problems in our relationship that could lead us to go separate ways. We have both always lived a good life before, and been pretty wealthy, nice clothes, you know what I mean...but now it's debt after debt and the end of the month....is just bad. My dilemma here is that I am wondering if we should pack up our stuff, sell everything we own and move now. I thought it was very important to take our time and do all the steps to make the move work - marry, take care of my health problem while I am in a province where health care is free, do all the paperwork for my visa, slowly get ready and move, but now I don't know anymore. We are getting poor more and more, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend could work and make money for both of us in California. This would be the second time I would stop a diploma halfway, and it would really bother me to do so. I was planning to move to Cali to work as an assistant until I can invest in myself, but I am also scared that without a diploma the internships or assistant positions will not be easy to find, or I won't have enough experience for them. Photography is a crazy world and I am scared that if I do not take my time to get ready and work in California and try and network before I am, I will screw up my career. Another thing that is holding me back is that my parents invested a bit of money in my school (bought me a brand new camera), so I sort of feel that I have committed to them. They are also aware of my depression problems and will not probably not approve my move so soon (although I am pretty sure that the world I live in has created the way I feel towards my life). I have also taken the job I have for a period of two years, as they know that I am moving in a year 1/2, but they have been so good to me I'd feel really bad if I left early. So move or no move? I feel like I am staying here for everyone else but myself...but I also feel like I owe them something....It's so hard to live my life knowing that I would be - or maybe dreaming to be happy elsewhere. Please I need some advice...thank you soooo much.

-the girl who's dreaming of something else...


Dear Girl Who's Dreaming of Something Else,

This is a tough predicament, as its not about the right choice or the wrong choice, simply whichever option is best for you. Though I can't give you a fully accurate answer on that one without knowing even more about the situation, I will do my best.

Money problems are a significant issue in a lot of adult relationships, and they can often lead to the breakdown of a healthy bond between lovers. People face enough stress in their personal differences, but when external forces such as economic woes invade, friend can turn against friend, and an entire way of life that was once happy & healthy can rot at an inexplicable rate.

If I understand you correctly, you have a set of issues right now that require you to stay in Canada; financial, health, and educational. For you to be able to move forward in your relationship, these issues need to be adressed and confronted immediately. If by moving to California, you lose the ability to make progress and conquer these obstacles, you may soon find yourself in an even rougher position: resenting your boyfriend for setting you back even further.

However, you've also made a case for a better life in California. If your boyfriend could support both of you with the job he apparently has locked down out west, could he afford to handle your medical bills? Furthermore, do you believe that a photography degree will get you work as a photographer? It seems that what gets a photographer work is having the combination of the right tools, the right contacts, and a wealth of talent. I'm sure you could find plenty of actors looking for quality headshots out west.

The point is, what exactly is holding you back from leaving? Fear or wisdom? If you truly believe that moving will set you back, perhaps you should stay put and fight it out before leaving, as many people will tell you that you can't always outrun your problems. If you know that a better life awaits you, there's nothing wrong with busting a U-Turn and heading in the opposite direction.

I think your biggest fear is that of a separation. What would happen if, for the time being, he left and you stayed? Are you two strong enough to wait for the other? Take it from me, a year passes by very quickly if you're staying busy.

Now I know that love doesn't show its face everyday, but you need to remember one other important facet of your situation: you're 20 years old. You're not in your thirties, facing forclosure on the family farm, standing at a bus stop with your husband and kids. You've a lot more freedom than you realize. You may have to give up some luxuries and pleasantries you currently have to stay afloat, but the point is, don't upset your own future for a relationship so early in life. I'm not saying this guy doesn't matter, just that you need to keep your life goals in sharp focus right now. Do you want a degree in photography, do you want to continue to learn more about your craft, or are you ready to have a go at it in the real world?

If moving to California immediately is going to jeopardize your future and your development as a future, then don't do it. But if staying is just an act of fear, I wouldn't recommend that either. Though long distance relationships are not my cup of tea, I have seen them work, but regardless, you don't know what the future holds, the lives we connect with may travel far and wide, but often times a reconnection is inevitable.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't put the horse before the cart. I'm glad you're in love and you want to get married, but trying to become a bride before 21 isn't exactly a desperate necessity. Personally, I'd be more concerned with organizing my personal future than locking down a romantic one.

Don't make this decision for him, make it for yourself. You're too young to put your future in the laurels of another, so do what's best for you from the majority of angles, and give yourself a chance to get healthy and strong, no matter what country provides that chance.

Get well soon. Tough times are still ahead, but I promise you, you will make it through them, you will grow stronger, and you will find what you're looking for.

Youth should be about possibilities, not limitations.

Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

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