When I grow up, I want to be a doormat...

Hello,

I am 21 and have recently become engaged. I've been with him for now 4 years. It just made sense to get engaged. However, I fear I may be too young to get married or that our relationship is destined to fail. He is 26 and a recovering drug addict. He went to rehab after being together for 2 years and seems to be doing really good now. We have put that in the past. However, he still has a lot of debts caused by his past drug habit, he is irresponsible, and his mother hates me to the extent that no one in his family knows we are engaged!
He still lives with his parents and every single thing we do has to go through his mom, otherwise she makes everything difficult. We haven't set a date and that scares me, but at the same time it is a relief because I feel like its not really happening yet and he still has time to solve all of his issues, including his mother, before we tie the knot.
Lately, I have noticed that he has become less and less caring. Before, he used to make a big deal about anniversaries and my birthday, but now, he won't even send me flowers, (I've had to ask and it was denied) He never has money because he is always paying bills, he seems to get speeding tickets every month and his debts keep adding up. I guess I keep hoping for things to change, and go back to how they used to be, but everything seems to get worse and worse as we get more committed and serious. I don’t want to make the biggest mistake of my life, or marry him without having a place to live or be able to pay the rent. My idea of what I want my marriage to be is not the future I see with him, but I do love him so much.
I just wish he could love my as much as he used to. Do I just have cold feet? Please advise.

Sincerely,
Fiancee

Dear Fiancee,

Separate yourself from the situation for a moment and pretend you heard this question from a complete stranger in a magazine, a radio call-in show, or worse, Maury Povich.

What kind of conclusion would you draw? How would this girl come across to you?

Like most people, I'm sure you'd say something along the lines of, "Good lord, girl, get the hell out of there!" like a rowdy crowd would shout during a shitty slasher film playing at the local second-run-sticky-floor movie theatre.

You'd be a tad disgusted, wondering, "What kind of girl would let herself settle for a life of unhappiness? Why would she lower her standards to such a degree instead of opening herself up to a healthy, positive lifestyle with strong, mature relationships?"

Finally, if you were like me, you'd ask,"Engaged? Marriage? Honey, you're only 21 years old, what's the rush?"

Let me let you in on a little secret...you're not an adult yet. I know that sounds condescending and I'm sorry, but the truth is that part of being an adult, a real adult, is being independent and making your own choices for the better of yourself, choosing what you deserve to be responsible for and honing up to your actions.

You're still growing, still changing, still trying to figure out your station in life. That needs to be secured and on the right track before you decide who you're going to spend the rest of your ADULT life with.

Whether you really love this guy, or you can't bear to be alone, is irrelevant, because at the end of the day, we love people whether they are right for us or not. Feelings cloud the senses and often times we are forced to choose between what we feel to be true and what we know to be true. For the lucky, they are one and the same, but for many, its what makes the tough decisions a nasty shade of gray: its not just right & wrong anymore, its now or never, hurt now or hurt later.

I would advise you to carve out a life for yourself that satisfies you on all the fronts you want, but also to work accordingly to attain that life. You deserve a boyfriend who supports you as you support him, a partner, not a burden. You deserve in-laws who welcome you with open arms and treat you as a daughter they are proud to have in their family. You deserve dreams of your own that your partner respects and treasures.

You may not find these things in life, but you're too young to give up now and settle for something that seems so obviously destined to hinder your future. Its okay to be alone. Its okay to let go of things that at one time meant the world to us. We cannot hold onto the past once it fades away, we have to move on and work towards a goal that is realistic, as well as worthy of our time on this earth.

You're in your twenties, keep chasing your dreams. You can worry about settling for harsh realities in your forties.

.........................

And please don't wind up on Povich, overweight with mascara streaming down your tear-stained face, crying, in a southern accent "BUT AHHH LOVE HIM, MAURY!" as an audience hoots & hollers.

This is the last warning sign you'll ever see before your life flash-floods into a full on cliche of soul-melting-shame & white-trash despair.

You've been warned.

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Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.

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