You don't know him like I do...
Dear Drew,
I don't usually do things like this. This being writing to a complete
stranger for advice about an issue in my life. In fact, I'm usually the
one that people go to for advice on just about everything. However, my
issue is something that I feel I need the perspective of a complete
stranger to really help clarify things.
I have been dating this guy for about 4 months now. At first everything
was great. He's handsome, charming, and funny. We have a lot of the
same interests and we both are athletes. I have never been more
comfortable around a guy in my entire life. The only downfall that he
saw was that he is 22 and i'm 18, but age is only a number, right? So
we went home for Thanksgiving break and came back and everything was
still the same until one night he confessed that he had slept with a 37
year old woman at home. I was completely devastated and didn't talk to
him for a few days. In that time I really thought about our
relationship and what it meant to me. Ultimately I decided that I was
not ready to just give up on it and that I would give him a second
chance. Since then we've been better than ever. It may sound childish
but I think his infidelity really made our relationship stronger.
So here is what i need help on. My friends have never been too keen on
him. He drinks a bit excessively at times and they always felt he was
not right for me. When i told them about what he had done that was the
final straw and they all now despise him. No matter what I say or do
they're all so angry with me for even speaking to him. Now I have to be
with either him or them and when I am with him, they're all so angry
with me. What should I do? I know that I want to stay with him but how
do I explain to my friends that being with him will make me happier
than being without him?
Sorry for the excessive letter, I just really need some perspective.
Sincerely,
Torn
Dear Torn,
As everyone should know, without questions, there is no column, so no aplogies needed.
Your friends are most likely operating under a common diagnosis:
You are stuck in an unhealthy relationship with an obnoxious, drunken philanderer who has his hooks deep inside of you. You're too weak to pack it up and drop the bastard, and thus, your fear of lonliness and/or blindness to his true character is preventing you from rejoining them in the land of female unity, common sense, and basic, neccesary levels of sanity.
This diagnosis is commonly known as "K-Fedinitis," formerly referred to as Whitney Houston Syndrome.
Now, this may or may not be the case, but its a common diagnosis.
There are ways to refute such a conclusion.
1) If your partner's infidelity was a one-time occurence, then it was your call, as an adult, to forgive him or not. You of course, as an intelligent woman, did this after he in fact apologized, aknowledged his mistake and explained what went into making such a selfish decision, right?
2) You can privately summarize the countless reasons why this is a healthy relationship, and can rule out the plethora of warning signs that indicate a history, and a future, of unhealthy and/or manipulative behavior. You can realistically assess the drinking issue, attributing it to normal social behavior, or destructive agent of abandon that could provoke messy situations such as infidelity or violence.
Which you've done, right?
3) You make time for your friends, so no matter who you come home to, so your friends know that no boyfriend is going to pull you away or have them outright replaced. You also make it a point not to bother them with sob stories when you and MR. RIGHTnow are going through problems. Girls don't want to hear about your problems if they feel you're ignoring their solutions. Consider your boyfriend off-limits for conversation if they hate him so much (this is a common side effect of bringing your relationship woes to your friends. You often end up with an unbalanced account of your union being written as history in the minds of your confidants.)
4) You keep an open flow of communication between yourself and those in your life. There are no repressed feelings or truths that are destined for a boiling point. You understand your friends' feelings, as well as your boyfriend's feelings, and they all understand yours, whether they agree or not.
If we understand people, maybe we can accept them to. If your friends understand that you are happy in your PRIVATE life, then they can respect that, while continuing to share a meaningful and honest friendship with you.
In short, if you've taken a good luck at your friendships and your relationship, determined that both were valid, but neither side were compatible, then it is your job, as keeper of both worlds and eater of dual cakes, to keep them separate yet satisfied. If they understand what kind of work you're willing to put in to make them feel important and loved, they'll meet you halfway.
If not, if what you're dealing with are ideological zealots who wish to control your romantic life when it is safely outside their day to day experience, then those very friendships deserve reexamining.
The name of the game is best interest. There are those in the world, whether lovers, friends, or family, who are not looking out for your best interest, and then there are those who will never forget it. The kind of people who truly want whats best for you, not whats most convenient for them.
And those are the people you need in your life.
I don't usually do things like this. This being writing to a complete
stranger for advice about an issue in my life. In fact, I'm usually the
one that people go to for advice on just about everything. However, my
issue is something that I feel I need the perspective of a complete
stranger to really help clarify things.
I have been dating this guy for about 4 months now. At first everything
was great. He's handsome, charming, and funny. We have a lot of the
same interests and we both are athletes. I have never been more
comfortable around a guy in my entire life. The only downfall that he
saw was that he is 22 and i'm 18, but age is only a number, right? So
we went home for Thanksgiving break and came back and everything was
still the same until one night he confessed that he had slept with a 37
year old woman at home. I was completely devastated and didn't talk to
him for a few days. In that time I really thought about our
relationship and what it meant to me. Ultimately I decided that I was
not ready to just give up on it and that I would give him a second
chance. Since then we've been better than ever. It may sound childish
but I think his infidelity really made our relationship stronger.
So here is what i need help on. My friends have never been too keen on
him. He drinks a bit excessively at times and they always felt he was
not right for me. When i told them about what he had done that was the
final straw and they all now despise him. No matter what I say or do
they're all so angry with me for even speaking to him. Now I have to be
with either him or them and when I am with him, they're all so angry
with me. What should I do? I know that I want to stay with him but how
do I explain to my friends that being with him will make me happier
than being without him?
Sorry for the excessive letter, I just really need some perspective.
Sincerely,
Torn
Dear Torn,
As everyone should know, without questions, there is no column, so no aplogies needed.
Your friends are most likely operating under a common diagnosis:
You are stuck in an unhealthy relationship with an obnoxious, drunken philanderer who has his hooks deep inside of you. You're too weak to pack it up and drop the bastard, and thus, your fear of lonliness and/or blindness to his true character is preventing you from rejoining them in the land of female unity, common sense, and basic, neccesary levels of sanity.
This diagnosis is commonly known as "K-Fedinitis," formerly referred to as Whitney Houston Syndrome.
Now, this may or may not be the case, but its a common diagnosis.
There are ways to refute such a conclusion.
1) If your partner's infidelity was a one-time occurence, then it was your call, as an adult, to forgive him or not. You of course, as an intelligent woman, did this after he in fact apologized, aknowledged his mistake and explained what went into making such a selfish decision, right?
2) You can privately summarize the countless reasons why this is a healthy relationship, and can rule out the plethora of warning signs that indicate a history, and a future, of unhealthy and/or manipulative behavior. You can realistically assess the drinking issue, attributing it to normal social behavior, or destructive agent of abandon that could provoke messy situations such as infidelity or violence.
Which you've done, right?
3) You make time for your friends, so no matter who you come home to, so your friends know that no boyfriend is going to pull you away or have them outright replaced. You also make it a point not to bother them with sob stories when you and MR. RIGHTnow are going through problems. Girls don't want to hear about your problems if they feel you're ignoring their solutions. Consider your boyfriend off-limits for conversation if they hate him so much (this is a common side effect of bringing your relationship woes to your friends. You often end up with an unbalanced account of your union being written as history in the minds of your confidants.)
4) You keep an open flow of communication between yourself and those in your life. There are no repressed feelings or truths that are destined for a boiling point. You understand your friends' feelings, as well as your boyfriend's feelings, and they all understand yours, whether they agree or not.
If we understand people, maybe we can accept them to. If your friends understand that you are happy in your PRIVATE life, then they can respect that, while continuing to share a meaningful and honest friendship with you.
In short, if you've taken a good luck at your friendships and your relationship, determined that both were valid, but neither side were compatible, then it is your job, as keeper of both worlds and eater of dual cakes, to keep them separate yet satisfied. If they understand what kind of work you're willing to put in to make them feel important and loved, they'll meet you halfway.
If not, if what you're dealing with are ideological zealots who wish to control your romantic life when it is safely outside their day to day experience, then those very friendships deserve reexamining.
The name of the game is best interest. There are those in the world, whether lovers, friends, or family, who are not looking out for your best interest, and then there are those who will never forget it. The kind of people who truly want whats best for you, not whats most convenient for them.
And those are the people you need in your life.
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