How do we know?
Dear Drew Lindo,
I'm only 20, but I engaged in enough youthful indulgence that I ought to be
much older. I have every issue a woman can have. I'm a drug
addict/alcoholic (clean for a year & a half, but crazy regardless), bipolar,
former anorexic/current bulimic, and grew up without a father (mine was
already married). I was raped while blacked out before I got sober, and
molested by my cousin before I was a teenager. I'm a different person than
I used to be, and I've been able to distance myself from my past... but I
imagine I will always have an innate distrust of males and major self-image
problems.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He's 21, intelligent, funny,
compassionate, open-minded, and loveable. Everyone I've introduced him to, family included, has been impressed with him--even the harshest critics I know. :) Our relationship has been my first trial at something stable and
healthy. We have never had a "real" argument. We get frustrated with each
other but we've never even raised our voices or deliberately hurt one
another. We met in a sobriety program, but our pasts are drastically
different. He smoked pot at his prep. school, got kicked out, and his
parents sent him to rehab.
Anyway, we've recently begun to talk about marriage. It wouldn't be until
after we graduated college, but it's made me think a lot more. For the most
part, I have deliberately tried to not dwell on our relationship strictly
because I know that the utter "normalcy" would scare the hell outta me.
Part of me is scared that he's almost too good for me, too one-dimensional,
too much of a jeans/t-shirt/pizza kinda guy to ever love me for not only who
I am now, but who I've been. And the other part of me feels like if I let
this opportunity pass me by, I will regret this decision for the rest of my
life.
I know that I don't have to turn this into a now or never kinda thing, but I
think it's selfish of me to continue this if there's no way it could work
out. Even our families are highly incompatible. He's a great guy, and I
don't want to break his heart if I'm too broken to treat him the way he
deserves. I just kinda need a male perspective of this.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am so pleased to hear that you have broken the cycle of abuse and self-destruction, having made positive choices and pursued a healthy relationship with a trustworthy, emotionally available mate.
That is a HUGE leap forward in your development, so be proud of it everyday.
However, the questions I seem to be hearing are "Can he really love me for all that I am/am not?" and, "What if I let him go?"
The answer/issue to both of these lies in the most simple of concepts, one which I seem to repeat in every column as it is a principle that needs to be lived by: Self-Love.
How do you feel about you? If you didn't have a boyfriend, could you still think highly of yourself? Can you forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made? Can you let go of such a painful and abusive past and embrace the wonderful possibilities of your future?
I ask you this because once you truly love yourself, you will no longer see yourself as damaged goods in need of a gullible buyer. You have to love yourself enough to protect and honor yourself, thus valuing those who have the insight to understand just how special and vital a partner you are.
You hint at the end of your letter of some sort of family discord. Now, I don't know what your relationship is like with your family, or his, but if they have their heads screwed on straight, and saw what kind of future you too could have, they would set aside any differences and embrace the two of you as their children.
If they can't do that for whatever reason, then perhaps your relationship with your family needs further examining.
Getting back on point, you're going to have to stop thinking of yourself as a "Fixer Upper." If he loves you, he'll accept you for all that you are, have been and will be. If for some reason he can't, then HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Whether you spend it with him remains to be seen, but you must not lose sight of the fact life is filled with possibilities. Protect what you care about, but never abandon hope, because we all have the ability to improve our own existence and attain happiness. It is up to us to find the strength to rescue ourselves from our inner demons, then open the doors to those who wish to connect on a deeper level.
On a final note, if you are not already seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend it. With all that you've been through, I think that seeing a professional would really add another level of healthy analysis to your life and provide a nice balance outside of your relationship.
Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.
Click here to email Drew Lindo!
I'm only 20, but I engaged in enough youthful indulgence that I ought to be
much older. I have every issue a woman can have. I'm a drug
addict/alcoholic (clean for a year & a half, but crazy regardless), bipolar,
former anorexic/current bulimic, and grew up without a father (mine was
already married). I was raped while blacked out before I got sober, and
molested by my cousin before I was a teenager. I'm a different person than
I used to be, and I've been able to distance myself from my past... but I
imagine I will always have an innate distrust of males and major self-image
problems.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He's 21, intelligent, funny,
compassionate, open-minded, and loveable. Everyone I've introduced him to, family included, has been impressed with him--even the harshest critics I know. :) Our relationship has been my first trial at something stable and
healthy. We have never had a "real" argument. We get frustrated with each
other but we've never even raised our voices or deliberately hurt one
another. We met in a sobriety program, but our pasts are drastically
different. He smoked pot at his prep. school, got kicked out, and his
parents sent him to rehab.
Anyway, we've recently begun to talk about marriage. It wouldn't be until
after we graduated college, but it's made me think a lot more. For the most
part, I have deliberately tried to not dwell on our relationship strictly
because I know that the utter "normalcy" would scare the hell outta me.
Part of me is scared that he's almost too good for me, too one-dimensional,
too much of a jeans/t-shirt/pizza kinda guy to ever love me for not only who
I am now, but who I've been. And the other part of me feels like if I let
this opportunity pass me by, I will regret this decision for the rest of my
life.
I know that I don't have to turn this into a now or never kinda thing, but I
think it's selfish of me to continue this if there's no way it could work
out. Even our families are highly incompatible. He's a great guy, and I
don't want to break his heart if I'm too broken to treat him the way he
deserves. I just kinda need a male perspective of this.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am so pleased to hear that you have broken the cycle of abuse and self-destruction, having made positive choices and pursued a healthy relationship with a trustworthy, emotionally available mate.
That is a HUGE leap forward in your development, so be proud of it everyday.
However, the questions I seem to be hearing are "Can he really love me for all that I am/am not?" and, "What if I let him go?"
The answer/issue to both of these lies in the most simple of concepts, one which I seem to repeat in every column as it is a principle that needs to be lived by: Self-Love.
How do you feel about you? If you didn't have a boyfriend, could you still think highly of yourself? Can you forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made? Can you let go of such a painful and abusive past and embrace the wonderful possibilities of your future?
I ask you this because once you truly love yourself, you will no longer see yourself as damaged goods in need of a gullible buyer. You have to love yourself enough to protect and honor yourself, thus valuing those who have the insight to understand just how special and vital a partner you are.
You hint at the end of your letter of some sort of family discord. Now, I don't know what your relationship is like with your family, or his, but if they have their heads screwed on straight, and saw what kind of future you too could have, they would set aside any differences and embrace the two of you as their children.
If they can't do that for whatever reason, then perhaps your relationship with your family needs further examining.
Getting back on point, you're going to have to stop thinking of yourself as a "Fixer Upper." If he loves you, he'll accept you for all that you are, have been and will be. If for some reason he can't, then HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Whether you spend it with him remains to be seen, but you must not lose sight of the fact life is filled with possibilities. Protect what you care about, but never abandon hope, because we all have the ability to improve our own existence and attain happiness. It is up to us to find the strength to rescue ourselves from our inner demons, then open the doors to those who wish to connect on a deeper level.
On a final note, if you are not already seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend it. With all that you've been through, I think that seeing a professional would really add another level of healthy analysis to your life and provide a nice balance outside of your relationship.
Drew Lindo has a new email address. Send all of your questions to askdrewlindo@gmail.com.
Click here to email Drew Lindo!
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